Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith: Blog

POVERTY TOUR MENTALITY COMES TO CALTECH

2012-02-02 19:04:28

Tavis Smiley, author and host of television and radio talk shows, spoke in Pasadena last week at an event sponsored by the Caltech Y and Black Students at Caltech Present. I forgot to attend the event held at Caltech’s Beckman Auditorium.

On second thought, I’m not quite so sure that it was forgetfulness that kept me from listening to the learned speaker lambaste President Obama for neglecting America’s poor.

Speakers at Beckman Auditorium generally entertain questions from the audience, and I suspect my staying away was pretty much a reflection of my mother’s way of raising me.

“If you can’t say anything good, Shirlee Annette, just keep your mouth shut,” she hammered at me throughout my growing years. If you’re a regular reader of this blog/column, you know I have strayed far from her teaching.

According to the Pasadena Sun’s coverage of the event, one student in attendance told Smiley she was pleased to have a speaker who wasn’t addressing physics or science, and asked if he thought unemployment has increased because Americans today are simply lazier than past generations were.

With an audience member that naive, I’m surprised Smiley didn’t seize the opportunity to provide clips from the recent Poverty Tour he and his sidekick, Princeton Professor Cornell West, conducted across the country.

Instead, he is reported to have answered, “I think it’s hogwash.” He went on to explain, “The reason we are in the mess that we are in, in a word: Greed.”

If we think that answer sounds like the Occupy movement, we may be on to something. What’s really going on when it comes to lambasting the president for ignoring the plight of hungry Americans? What’s really going on when Smiley comes to town to raise consciousness in regard to the 99%?

Back in the day, back in the 1960s, messages like Smiley’s were most often attributed to “poverty pimps” — people benefiting by putting themselves in the forefront as the representatives of, or spokespersons for, disadvantaged minorities in the inner cities.

You may say I’m spouting hogwash, as Smiley is well-heeled and very well-suited. What has he to gain by moving to the forefront to help America’s impoverished?

I say, in four words: Greed for the spotlight.

He brought his Poverty Tour mentality to Pasadena, but only a handful of people showed up — about 100 in a room that holds 1,155.

Maybe, instead of the southeast end of Pasadena, Smiley should have stopped by the northwest side of town, where poverty has been lurking for decades and where the residents don’t see their plight as something new or newsworthy.

But among those I asked in my neck of the woods, nobody knew Smiley was going to be here.

Had they known he was coming, would they have gone to hear him speak?

Gerry Lewis said, “ I would liked to have listened, so I could disagree.”

Thanks to my mom, I wasn’t there to speak from the floor.

WHAT'S A MOTHER TO DO?

2012-01-20 00:47:20

It is no simple matter for a mother to decide what to do with a newborn she doesn’t want.

Some folks must think it is, because over the years I’ve heard people say, “She shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.”

That’s nonsense. Although not every woman is ready to admit her pregnancy or pregnancies weren’t planned, the truth of the matter is a whole bunch of women probably shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.

Motherhood is supposed to be so sacred that many folks can’t come to terms with a mother not wanting her child. It happens!

For every woman who has an abortion, gives a child up for adoption, abandons a baby in a trash can or drops one off at a designated safe surrender location — as occurred at Huntington Memorial Hospital last week — I suspect there has to be some trauma involved. It isn’t for the public to point accusing fingers, since we haven’t walked in the woman’s shoes.

In Chicago this year, a 13-year-old wrapped her newborn in a pair of jeans and left the child in a dumpster. A bad young woman or a scared kid with no one to talk to?

In Queens, N.Y., last year, police arrested a 23-year-old mother a few hours after she’d given birth in the bathroom of a hospital and left her newborn to die in a trash can.

Another bad young woman? Or maybe just one who doesn’t know how to make good choices and has no clue when it comes to available resources?

Across America, programs allow a mother to take her newborn to designated locations, usually fire stations and hospitals, and leave the child anonymously.

California's Safely Surrendered Baby Law lets a mother give up an infant up to 72 hours old at any hospital emergency room in the state. In Los Angeles County, fire stations are also drop-off points.

Last week a newborn baby was taken to an Alhambra fire station, and firefighters brought the child to Huntington. A bad woman? An unmotherly act? Quite the contrary.

The question this surrender leaves unanswered is why she took the safe route and found the avenue that would provide her child a home. The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services will place this baby for adoption.

What is a woman to do when she doesn’t want a baby? Abandonment most certainly isn’t the answer. Abortion depends on one’s faith and perhaps one’s belief in when life begins.

Is it for the rest of us to pass judgment or could we, instead, help by making sure our teenagers aren’t scared, that they have someone to talk with and that our twentysomethings learn about available resources?

Bad or unmotherly? Neither title helps us understand that not every woman who becomes pregnant wants a baby. For detailed information on national safely surrender visit: www.childwelfare.gov

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BEYOND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

2012-01-05 15:36:07

“Just Imagine” was the theme of the 2012 Rose Parade, and it resonates in more ways than one.

Just imagine growing up on the low-income side of town but not allowing what other people call your neighborhood to crush your talents or your quest for excellence.

Just imagine that ethnicity doesn’t really hold one back, but that a person's own belief that ethnicity matters might.

Just imagine Raul Rodriguez, the awesome designer of Rose Parade floats, believing that just because he grew up with a Spanish surname in Boyle Heights did not mean he was destined for a life of gang-banging and serving time in the big house.

Funny how one’s neighborhood can become the defining element of who we are and who we’re expected to become.

Even more ironic is how our living spaces are so often defined by outsiders who simply dwell upon the negative and never seem to find the positive on the other side of the tracks — the low-income side of town.

The 1943 Zoot Suit Riots in Los Angeles and the aftermath spoke loudly as to how the public viewed Boyle Heights and the Mexican American residents who lived there.

Later, in the early 1950s, while a student in a leadership position at Roosevelt High School in Boyle Heights, I, along with other students, was sent by the school administration to ride along with reporters and photographers from a national magazine who came to the neighborhood on assignment.

We didn’t see any young gangster-type Mexican American men roaming the streets. The journalists were unable to spot any pachucos. No White Fence gang members were evident, either.

Somehow these outsiders who came looking for a story, maybe a focus on one of the oldest gangs in Los Angeles, had no understanding of our community.

Growing up in Boyle Heights, I never saw a Mexican American criminal. I never saw White Fence gang members roaming my streets. Pachucos were evident because of their style of dress.

If the writers and photographers from the national publication found a story, I never saw it.

Cheers to Raul Rodriguez and to his family for bringing to light the positive aspects of a proud ethnic heritage, and that of community members grounded in values that help mold young men and women of extraordinary talent.

Rodriguez, profiled in the Jan. 1 Sunday Valley Sun, apparently is known throughout the world for his float designs. He began working at the age of 15 when he created his first float for the Rose Parade, and 2012 marked his 500th creation to roll down Colorado Boulevard. He has captured more awards for his work than any other float designer.

Just imagine the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade without the artistic mastery of Raul Rodriguez, who believed in himself while honing his talents on the low-income side of town.

Indeed, Boyle Heights is more than the community where U.S. sailors, in 1943, went on a rampage looking for Mexican American residents to terrorize.

Just imagine all the talent that could bloom if the issue of ethnicity didn’t get in the way.

AN APPLE FOR CHRISTMAS

2011-12-23 18:14:17

My longtime friend Arlene McClain-Brown taught me something mighty important about giving Christmas presents to our kids.

Arlene was raised in Terry, Miss., the youngest child in a family of many. Way back when, as she scanned the too-many gifts I was giving my children, she told me that for Christmas in the McClain household stockings were most often the only present given — and the stockings for each child contained one apple.

“An apple was all they got,” I told the participants in my parent-training workshop. Eyes rolled and grumbles emanated from around the room.

The mood of the participants put me on notice that in this day and age our children expect much, and it is the responsibility of parents to deliver.

This is not the way our Christmas story should unfold. Why not raise children to understand that whatever they receive is a blessing, and the list they’ve been told Santa is checking twice has nothing to do with life’s realities?

Paying off last year’s too-many presents for undeserving kids just in time to sink into debt once more for this year’s wild spending is the chain — though one workshop participant said she had finally broken it.

“What a relief,” she said with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. “I’m my own person and I’m not listening to anyone else.”

Back in the day, Arlene’s parents didn’t have to compete with television commercials pumping round-the-clock suggestions for what to give the kids. I suspect her folks weren’t pressured by what the “other kids” were boasting would be given to them because everyone who lived on the country road and who attended the country schoolhouse was in much the same financial situation. No one had a credit card, either.

“Talk is cheap,” one loudmouth mother in the workshop proclaimed. She asked how I, Ms. Scrooge — or did I prefer the title of the Grinch — actually put into practice that which I suggested others consider doing?

I don’t suggest anyone go outside their own belief system as to what the Christmas season is all about. For those who see wild spending on kids, relatives, office companions and friends as they way to go, go for it.

For those convinced that they aren’t doing the right thing by their children if Christmas isn‘t all about presents, whether the family can afford it or not, go for it.

For those who stop to question what’s really important about this season and want to take another look at how things have always been, listen up.

The Christmas season provides our children the opportunity to share the abundance that may well be heaped upon them. Growing up, my daughter Brandi chose the top 10 from her abundance of gifts given by well-wishers. We re-wrapped all the others and delivered them to family shelters.

Brandi, unfortunately, has had to put her money where her mother’s mouth is.

PCC IS THE PLACE TO GO

2011-12-09 04:12:17

Pasadena City College Lancer Marching Band Kicks Off Every Rose Parade.

A close friend with a flourishing business is currently enrolled in a Television and Radio Department class at Pasadena City College. He told me something about needing to learn the art of the voice-over.

Though this gentleman is classified as a senior citizen, and one who has earned several college degrees, he has not been placed in a special class for those who’ve already been around the block a few times. Instead he has the opportunity, as do younger students, to learn in a multi-generational environment.

Then there’s the story of the disappointed parents of the son who wasn’t, for whatever reason, shipping off to the Ivy League college of the family’s dreams.

“Huh?” they responded when the suggestion of Pasadena City College was floated their way. “But, but…” they stammered throughout a conversation on the merits of attending our local community college.

Just about every Pasadena local can give directions to Pasadena City College, but few talk about all that this learning institution offers. There’s much to take in.

For starters, while searching for what to do over the holidays, going for a walk around the campus grounds with family members both young and old can be a winner.

One good stop is the campus art gallery’s new exhibition, “The Shape of the Universe: Recent Deep Space Photography,” which runs through Feb. 9. For sure, Jet Propulsion Laboratory is not the only space act in town.

Take a rest stop at Galloway Plaza, which offers an opportunity to appreciate just how fortunate our community is to have local philanthropist Bill Galloway, who supports the college.

To the south of the plaza, take in the Boone Sculpture Garden, containing pieces donated by the Hixon Foundation, yet another sign of local philanthropy at work.

Then to the north is the fabulous Shatford Library, named for local attorney, civil rights activist and former college trustee Walter T. Shatford.

Oh, you know all about these things. Yes, lots of us know the campus like, well, the back of our hands. But too many people haven’t got a clue.

Enrollment figures from fall 2010 give us a quick look at who’s got their minds focused on what the place has to offer. Out of 32,000 credit students and 8,000 noncredit students, African Americans account for a shameful 6.5%.

Is that just too bad for them? There’s that theory that says, Them that’s got shall get and them that’s not, oh, well.

But maybe before it is time to enroll a relative in college, families underrepresented on the Pasadena City College campus — African-Americans, that is — should recognize the power of this local resource and introduce Pasadena City College to their children as the place where academic achievement is a reality for the young and the old.

SATAN AT THE LAUNDROMAT

2011-11-25 22:43:29

The stalking and grooming of children for the pleasure of deranged adults isn’t limited to the scandal at Pennsylvania State University, where it is alleged this kind of activity has been tolerated for more than a decade.

Predators lurk everywhere, and they have the benefit of fitting into the surroundings looking like the rest of us. My daughter learned that lesson — in a Laundromat.

It was a beautifully packaged, seemingly expensive and advanced set of art supplies. Just what any young person who had a mind set on someday working in the anime industry would want. For a kid living in the ‘hood, with limited money for purchasing artist gadgets, the gift was manna from heaven.

But the seemingly generous bearer of the package was no heavenly creature. He had no visible horns, nor was he dressed in a red satin outfit and carrying a pitchfork that morning. But he was most certainly the devil disguised as just some person from the neighborhood using the local Laundromat like the rest of us.

My kid knows that century-old rule about taking candy from strangers. I’m sure she knew something was amiss when, as we left the Laundromat, she showed me her newly acquired set of art supplies.

Who! What! When, and how did this passing of the package happen out of my sight?

I knew the gift was just the beginning. A kid from a low-income neighborhood who is gullible enough to accept a gift and not tell anyone is a prime target for being offered a ride at a nearby bus stop and taken for a predator’s dream spin in his satanic coach.

Most who have heard me tell this story have been as indignant as I was, and still am. But there have been a few, only a few, who think I’m overprotective and have a vivid imagination.

Why was Brandi given a gift for artists? She sat with me in the Laundromat with sketchpad and pencils. If she’d been playing with Barbie dolls, the monster would have had a present in his car fitting that interest.

A vivid imagination? Some stranger who bypasses you and sneaks a gift to your kid has a well-worked strategy. Recognizing that doesn’t require any imagination.

Overprotective? Anyone who believes being alert and keeping children safe could cause more harm than good needs to understand child predators don’t just operate in the locker room, in the shower, on the Internet or at the local park.

PARENTS TO BLAME FOR EXISTENCE OF BOOT CAMPS

2011-11-10 13:22:57

Headlines across the nation are focusing on teen boot camps, thanks in part to Pasadena programs run by Keith Gibbs (known to many as “Sarge”) and Kelvin McFarland.

A video depicting a scene allegedly from their program, showing a teen wearing a car tire around the neck and being yelled at by adults in Army fatigues, aired on national news and set off the fury. Additional stringent tactics were involved in the episode. While Sarge has been under scrutiny for some years, I haven’t heard any complaints directed toward the parents who raise kids they can’t manage and who foolishly believe in any proposal that has even a scant promise of reining in their wayward children.

Parents shoulder the blame for teen boot camp programs, not the camp operators who have, in true American tradition, found a way to make a buck off those who abdicate to a higher authority.

Parents who, for whatever reason, don’t know how to raise decent children have created an industry replete with a wide range of programs portending to correct problems that the parents themselves have created and allowed to fester throughout their children’s growth years.

The kids being sent to boot camp didn’t just start having problems the month before mom or pop signed ‘em up.

The kids being sent to boot camp were most likely a good bit of trouble early on. Unfortunately, too many times the bad stuff we see in our kids’ behavior is attributed to anything other than our own parenting practices.

Who are the parents seeking such drastic discipline measures as a boot camp under someone else’s design and marching orders?

They are the ones who, with a bragging tone to their declaration, will say, “I can’t do a thing with him.”

But both law enforcement and prison officials will do plenty with the kids whose parents never taught them exactly who is in charge.

Who are these parents?

They are the ones who, without a flicker of understanding of their own responsibility in the matter, will say of their teenage daughter, “She just doesn’t come home at night, and I can’t make her.”

Before this daughter became a teenager, she should have been made to understand who sets the rules and who is required to follow them.

The focus of wrongdoing ought not to be on boot camps. The focus ought to be on teaching parents how to do their job, which would in large measure eliminate the need for programs that provide intervention services.

The kids sent to boot camp eventually return home to the same undisciplined environment that produced their troublesome behavior.

Home needs to be a place where, among other values, children learn respect for authority and learn they must follow rules created in their best interest.

As parents, we have lots of lessons to learn ourselves. One is that our children reflect that which we, as role models, present to them.

CAN I HIT MY KID?

2011-10-27 20:56:50

At Muir, the head football coach is alleged to have roughed up a student during a weapons search. It is said that the altercation began when the coach gave the 15-year-old an order, which the kid decided to challenge.

The student’s mother has since stated that if she had been the one to put hands on her teenage son, she’d be arrested. The controversial case is not the only one that has people talking.

At a local clinic, I recently overheard a related discussion among two mental health therapists. I’m a great eavesdropper. I learn a lot this way. Though they both saw me sitting steps away in the waiting area, I seemed to be of no real consequence to them. Had I been, I suspect they would have lowered their voices.

They hit their kids, one said.

All the time, said the other. She went on to say she thought it to be a cultural issue, and she didn’t think she always should report what she heard from clients.

An eavesdropper, unless she wants to void their privilege of being a fly on the wall, should never interrupt with an “amen” or a counterpoint to what she has heard. But I was reminded of comedian and businessman Bill Cosby, who brought to light a philosophy well known in the African-American community: “I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out.”

A few years ago, a story circulated around town about a teenage boy who called 911 on his father, who had smacked him upside his head. Son was removed from the home and dad was charged with abuse. On the court date to clear the child for a return home, the father said that was not going to happen. Dad opted to pay for out-of-home-care rather than have agencies tell him how to run things in his home.

In the case of a friend’s daughter, she chose not to call 911 after her mother hit her. Instead, she decided to talk loudly enough at school that others would hear about it. A counselor overheard her and, unlike the social worker who understood the cultural aspect of African-American parental discipline, dialed the hot line.

Mom got arrested, and daughter was placed in foster care. Mom got out on bail, and daughter called constantly asking when she could come home. Daughter was eventually returned.

Maybe if the mother of the John Muir student had been able to establish much-needed parental control, her son would have known to respect authority and not mouth off, in part, for the pleasure and entertainment of his peers.

But we’ve now got a teenager who has set a glorified example of getting away with challenging authority. We’ve got a coach who made a very bad hands-on decision. And we’ve got a mom who, with her questionable parenting skills, has produced a son who sees he can do what he wants.

Do some parents rough up their kids in spite of being threatened with a call to 911? You better believe we do. You’ll know us by our kids, who you won’t see challenging authority.

WHAT ABOUT THE FOSTER PARENTS?

2011-10-21 07:23:05

All across America the debate continues to rage over the country's failing public education system and how best to provide inner-city minority youth with school programs that will bring them up to par with students of another color..

The representative voices from various state's and county's family service administrators, the designers and overseers of the foster care system, have been conspicuously absent from the reports on the discussion.

Are they really missing from the scenario?

For parents who are deemed incompetent by various measures and lose their children to the long-arm of the child welfare system shouldn't their kids, who've been placed in protective custody, be getting a better deal than they had at home?

Those agencies involved with the removal and with the placement of children should be required to have at the top of their training programs for foster parents a component that focuses on how to secure the best education possible for those in out-of-home-placement.

But ask your average foster parent to explain the benefits of a charter school vs. a public one and your answer is apt to be that the charter school has a longer school day.

What's going on during the longer day isn't nearly as important to the foster parent as the number of hours the kid will spend away from home.

The benefits. Educational benefits? Well, that's a question that might be answered by saying the kid has more homework at the charter school.

What's the homework? Best not to ask, if you're really looking for an answer.

Don't mistake this commentary for one that's giving foster parents a bad rap as I'm simply reporting on what I've observed over the years of being a foster parent and observing how too many others see their
responsibility.

But the issue of seeing to it that foster kids get educated lies in the lap of the child welfare officials who continually claim to have the best interest of the child foremost on their agenda.

Crazy things happen with our foster kids when it comes to school and education: All too often their records don't show up in a timely fashion for enrollment; Too many times it happens that our foster kids are bounced to another home before they actually get settled in the classrooms of the schools near the home where they just moved to; More often than not, foster kids are far behind grade level and the drop-out rate is staggering..

The voices I've called silent in this ongoing debate on how best to provide quality education for disadvantaged students, will challenge my position and speak of their ongoing presence and
persistence in initiating and demanding that adequate legislation be enacted to address the problem.

Just this week, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and Fostering Media Connections produced a National Conversation, focusing on a movement to improve educational outcomes for students in foster care. Via videoconferencing, teachers, students and researchers in California and Illinois exchanged the solutions and challenges they've experienced with a group of Congresspersons.

While legislation is of utmost importance, however, by not focusing discussions and follow-up action on the vital role foster parents play in the educational success of the children, means, quite simply, that the child welfare agencies in charge of creating policy change really aren't part of the discussion on educational reform.

RACE DON'T MATTER

2011-10-14 11:55:29

The recent physical altercation between a coach and a student at John Muir High School, a campus located in the heart of the ‘hood, is seen by many people as a racial incident.

That’s too bad, since the facts, other than the coach being African American and the 15 year-old male student being Latino, don’t seem to support this theory coming from both the ‘hood and the barrio.

One Latina activist told me Latinos are tired of being pushed around and marginalized, and that African-Americans should know what it feels like to be in their shoes.

An African-American man told me believes the coach was in the right, and that the problem rests with Latinos who think they deserve special privileges.

The reports vary as to who first put his hands on whom when the coach confronted the student regarding a search for a weapon.

Those who speak in defense of the coach say he is a former security guard at the school who received permission from the administration to handle the search. He has been placed on leave pending the outcome of the investigation.

In defense of the student, whether he was out of control or not, his mother rightfully says that if she were to lay hands on her son, she’d be arrested and have a case of child abuse filed against her. The student has not returned to school since the Sept. 28 clash.

Had the misbehaving student been African American, would those in the ‘hood line up to defend the coach? Might the African American mother say, “I’m glad he snatched my son because I’m afraid to; and he needs straightening out by someone.”

I’ve spent a fair amount of time visiting elementary, middle and high school classrooms, and my report isn’t favorable when it comes to teachers having control — unless we’re talking an advance placement class which, of course, wasn’t the scene of this altercation.

Unfortunately, the days are long gone when school principals had a paddle in their office and teachers could snatch a kid at will. Parents believe the law today says “hands off.”

When I grew up, I would have hoped my parents didn’t get the word that a teacher or administrator had laid a hand on me, because mom would have followed up at home with no quibble that the school hand was a white one.

That was then.

But yesteryear didn’t produce the type of students that schools have to handle now. Disruptive and disrespectful students are the order of the day, no matter their ethnic origin or grade level.

Yet in our current litigious society, no matter how slight a physical encounter between a school district employee and a student, court documents get filed revealing a student who now is unable to attend school and who made several doctor visits because of headaches, nightmares, depression, mood swings and more.

Fortunately, the racial verdicts from the African American and Latino community juries don’t mean much when it comes settling this troublesome matter.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

HOPE AND CHANGE - SOUND FAMILIAR?

2011-10-05 22:45:33

“There’s nobody home to help our kids with learning or with schoolwork because they’re all farmed out and living with some caregiver,” one gentleman told me as he headed to his car prior to the actual ending of the Education Reform Town Hall in Los Angeles last week sponsored by U.S. Congresswoman Karen Bass.

Over 300 people crowded into the gymnasium on the campus of The Junior Blind Foundation, but there wasn’t time for everyone to present their questions to the speaker, Russlyn Ali, Assistant Secretary of Civil Rights, U. S. Department of Education.

Bass, in her welcoming statement, acknowledged there were many educators from LAUSD in attendance, which she learned, she said, from the on-line registrations. But, Bass went on to explain, Ali’s presentation would focus solely on an overview of Obama’s National Plan for Education Reform.

Ali told us that when it comes to education, kids who need the most get the least. We heard all about the achievement gap continually widening between children of color and their white counterparts. Surely there had to be people in the audience who knew we were being fed warmed-up leftovers.

Ali, the Obama Administration representative, ended with a dramatic pitch challenging us to do our part in bringing about needed change.

A lady from the Los Angeles Music Center Spotlight Awards program had her question selected and was asked to line up at the microphone.

She spoke of the importance and the need for art, music and dance programs in the schools, and went on to focus on funding cuts.

Who was supposed to answer her question? Amongst all the questions submitted that night, maybe this one could have been ignored.

The lady who got selected and who didn’t bother to provide title or name, wanted to know why it isn't mandatory for parents to show up for parent-teacher conference, and she didn’t get an answer.

People began drifting out of the gymnasium. Some gathered on the steps leading to the parking lot.

Two UCLA students joined the conversation and voiced their annoyance with an evening wasted.

While Bass had promised the gathering a future meeting that would address the issues detailed on-line when attendees had registered, the mood expressed on the steps wasn’t one of a second chance.

Ms P, the teacher who retired from the district immediately after a student threw a knife at her, said Little JJ’s mother is too busy being cute and treating the kid like he’s “her man” since her baby-daddy is behind bars.

The man who caused Ali to dramatically place her head in the palm of her hands stated, quite simply, that abolitionists taught slaves to read and slaves taught other slaves. So take politics out of education.

Obama’s National Plan for Education Reform seemed as empty as his campaign promises for hope and change. Obama's plan offers states a deal If they adopt his preferred education reform policies which means, in part,, he’ll let them waive some of the more stringent and unpopular provisions of the No Child Left Behind law— the 2014 deadline for making all students proficient in reading and math.

Obama has said his administration will provide flexibility from the law in exchange for a real commitment to undertake change,.

From the mood I heard expressed on the steps, people want action, not slick speakers flying in from Washington DC to tell us what we already know – the education gap is widening.

ARETHA FRANKLIN CALLED IT "RESPECT"

2011-09-29 23:32:28

Increasing the cooperation and heightening the activities between agencies that serve families has been, throughout the years, an on-going and useful l endeavor.

Recently, the Partnership for Children Youth and Families presented “State of the Kids,” a panel discussion at the Flintridge Foundation in Pasadena.. Participants included Pasadena Police Chief Phillip Sanchez, Pasadena Unified Superintendent Jon Gundry, Dr. Eric Walsh, public health director for the city of Pasadena and Mercy Santoro, director of human services and recreation. Each emphasized the essential need for parental involvement if we expect children to succeed.

But as often happens, they were preaching to the choir. The parents who needed to hear this weren’t in attendance. The issue isn’t lack of programs for families, nor is the issue one of better coordination and cooperation among agencies, as is frequently suggested.

To the point: There needs to be a true understanding of why parents in need do not participate, and what can be done to change this.

What are some of those factors that contribute to this lack of family involvement?

Recently, I went out with an African American friend whose time in Pasadena dates back to her kindergarten days in 1960. During our dinner on South Lake Avenue, she told me we were out of place on that end of the city.

South Lake and Hamburger Hamlet, said my friend, was something our folks just didn’t do.

This story jibed with that of another friend, who tells of the treatment she and her mom received whenever they shopped at Helen Smith, Taffy or I. Magnin on that avenue.

Unwelcome signs don’t need to be hung in the window or placed on the counter. Families learn the skinny very early. And one thing parents definitely do is protect their young from hostile environments, whether it be on South Lake or in the social service program office.

As a latecomer to a city that is blessed with so many opportunities, I dragged my reluctant children to Beckman Auditorium, Norton Simon, the Pasadena Playhouse and everywhere else in town. But in the background was the constant complaint that there was no one else around who looked like us.

Gundry suggested to the Flintridge audience that we visit our schools and classrooms to see for ourselves what’s going on. One person in the audience, who identified herself as a parent, inquired about the insensitive behavior and the unwelcome format generally exhibited toward parents.

Gundry didn’t shy away from truth, speaking of of visiting a school and being left unattended in the office. He wasn’t treated, it seemed, too much better when he revealed who he was.

In this world-class city that is known for treating visitors so well, an unwelcoming attitude toward too many of our homegrown residents persists. This needs to be addressed and corrected. Asking Pasadena’s health, recreation, police and school district to heighten their collaborative efforts won’t do it alone.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

PARENT REVOLUTION? NOT REALLY

2011-09-16 19:31:18

TOGETHER WE CAN TAKE BACK YOUR SCHOOL, FOR YOUR CHILD, YOUR COMMUNITY, AND OUR FUTURE.

Parent Revolution claims to call for increasing parental authority over public education. But as a longtime advocate of parents taking active roles in education both at home and at school, I find this organization’s message to be a fraudulent promissory note, asking parents to believe that — when the note is cashed with the parents’ signature — Julio and Jamal will learn to read.

Parent Revolution recently has been active at Muir High School and Jefferson Elementary in Pasadena. It is painful to witness this organization prey upon the hopes and dreams of minority parents who, in their desperation for academic success, unwittingly align themselves with people who are no more than — as it was termed back in the ‘60s — “lackeys for the power structure.”

Parent Revolution? Not really. The organization was founded by a group of charter school operators led by Green Dot Public Schools, which already operates several schools in Los Angeles. Green Dot’s founder, Steve Barr, also served as chairman of Parent Revolution’s board of directors.

Recently Ben Austin, chief executive of Parent Revolution, offered an interview to the Silicon Valley Education Foundation newsletter that raises questions about how parents are being used by Parent Revolution, and for what purpose. “It has more to do with giving parents leverage to bargain,” Austin said. “The reality is that when parents have organized 50% of the parents in the school, they do have the ability to sit at the table and look the leadership in the eye and say, ‘For all intents and purposes we have the ability to fire you,’ and to look at the teachers and say, ‘We have the ability to cancel your contracts.’”

I’m all for putting leadership and teachers on notice. But I’m also looking to put parents on notice, and helping this latter group understand there’s so much more to gaining quality education for minority children than canceling contracts and firing leadership.

I first met a Parent Revolution staff member at a private home back in April. The group’s first public appearance in the Pasadena area took place soon after that, with the showing of the movie, “Waiting for Superman” followed by a question-and-answer period.

How could the group help parents? Well, the staff person spoke briefly about cafeteria food. It seemed this was mild enough for parents who might, at first, be apprehensive about firing an administrator, canceling a contract or bringing in a charter school.

I next met up with the well-financed organization in Sacramento, where it shuttled a busload of wishful parents, wearing Parent Revolution T-shirts, to testify before the State Board of Education.

With funding from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, the Wasserman Foundation, the Eli and Edyth Broad Foundation, the Hewlett Foundation and the Walton Family Foundation, Parent Revolution has more than enough dinero to keep up the rhetoric and the supporting antics. But that obscures real educational issues and keeps their followers from asking about the group’s real agenda, which unfortunately is all about charter schools, and not about Julio and Jamal or their sisters and brothers ever becoming educated.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

RIDING FAST ON RED BULL

2011-08-29 11:57:46

Television show, "Family Guy" has an episode focusing
on Red Bull!

The recent arrest of 21-year-old Eric Petrossian in South Pasadena for the theft of Red Bull caused the city’s police department to put out a bulletin, hoping to find whether there is a link between this crime and others in nearby cities involving this controversial drink popular with young adults and then there's my twenty-something daughter who thought to give the product a try.

“The stuff isn’t good for you,“ I said to my daughter after she had stocked a few of the attractive red and royal blue cans in our refrigerator.

“What?” she replied with absolute astonishment. “It just takes like apple juice — well, with sort of an aftertaste.”

But unlike apple juice, a can or two of Red Bull a day is not likely to keep the doctor away.

Instead, visitors to the official Red Bull website learn that “for more than 23 years, Red Bull has been giving wings to people across the globe who want to be physically and mentally fit. Red Bull becomes part of their life: during study sessions, intense work days and late nights out, while on the road, and playing sports or video games. In short, Red Bull vitalizes body and mind in virtually any situation of our daily life.”

New reports tell us that Petrossian may have been planning on marketing his collection. The stuff costs about two bucks a can, and, I suspect, buyers with hopes of finding a better life in a can are plentiful.

Sounds like drugs to me.

The animated television show “Family Guy,” where my twentysomething says she first heard of Red Bull, has portrayed this life enhancer as a definite upper.

The lead character, Peter, after consuming the energy drink, talks fast, takes on new challenges and becomes an entirely different person. Even a flower planted outside Peter’s house, after having a can of Red Bull poured on it, is able to jump out of the earth, walk across the street and steal a car.

The consumption of this beverage is about as troublesome as the wave of Red Bull thefts that South Pasadena police are checking out.

Some people, according to articles on the product, rely so heavily on Red Bull to get them through their day — as the website suggests they ought to do — that it borders on addiction.

In 2008, a number of German states ordered retailers to stop selling Red Bull Cola (another company drink) after it tested positive for cocaine. While the levels were too low to cause health risks, the discovery raised awareness about what goes into these types of products.

South Pasadena Police Det. Richard Lee has said his department is looking for a common thread in the recent thefts. “For some strange reason,” he said, “ they’re just in demand.”

Not a lot of sophisticated investigative work is required to figure out that reason. My daughter will be happy to provide the detectives working the case with a link to the “Family Guy” episode showing yard plants hijacking cars and Peter behaving like a mad man.

The not-so-strange reason, I suggest, is simply one of getting high. The not-so-strange reason, I suggest, is drugs.

THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN

2011-08-27 10:56:55

On one side of town an angry mom, angry because life just ain’t what she hoped it would be, is yelling at her 7-year-old son, “ You just like yo’ no-good-daddy. You ain’t never gonna be nothin’. You gonna wind up just like him, no matter how hard I try.”

Yup, she’s just about right. Not about how hard she tries but with pops serving a 3-strike life sentence in the state penn, odds are the offspring will follow suit.

As taxpayers, we support the criminal justice system. We pay for the generational incarceration of families. We support, and in the long run, pay for, the daily, monthly and yearly upkeep of those behind bars.

On the other side of town, 8-year-old Granville is off to spend the day with his dad at the medical complex the family has owned for many years. Great Grand Dad was an orthopedic surgeon, Grand Dad was a pediatrician and Dad is a dermatologist.

Granville, like the kid whose pop is serving time, is most likely going to follow the family tradition. Granville’s mom doesn’t yell at him every day but in all her actions she helps him to realize what path has been laid for him to follow.

The frequent visits to the medical center where he’s known and is greeted with respect engrain in his psyche his rightful place in the world. Granville’s life of interacting with other children, young people and adults who share the concept of high expectations for themselves and for others have, for this young man, helped him secure his acceptance in any well-respected medical school.

Maybe, but I don’t think, we, the taxpayers, are going to feed and house Granville or his children or their children. But his medical family are, with the rest of us, going to keep on housing angry momma’s son, his daddy and the grandchildren in part because they don’t know how to break out of the lifestyle they’re accustomed to.

The orthopedist, pediatrician, dermatologist and young Granville have lived by a code and a pattern that’s been handed down through their family. They know the ropes and they know other people who are pretty much like they are.

Pardon me, but I forgot the 7-year-old’s name. However it doesn’t matter, anyway, because he’ll soon be known best by the number he’s given in his state’s youth authority system. And that number might even be the same he’s known by in the prison he’s ready for when he becomes 18.

He, like some of his Homies, won’t even get a chance to hit the streets after he’s served time as a juvenile but, instead, will just get transferred over. He might even get to meet the “no-good-daddy’” he’s been compared to over the years, when he gets inside the walls where the adult men are housed.

Mom, from her side of town, while still angry, wlll marvel at her ability to forecast the future with no thought of how she contributed to brining it about.

On the other side of town, Granville and his medical team of relatives, with his mom performing as the facilities receptionist in their life outside and far away from prison walls, will continue to lack understanding as to why that “other” population just won’t do what’s right.

I MAKE NO EXCUSES

2011-08-19 15:53:43

It isn’t often that I take up space to clarify a previous position or to focus on the comments I’ve gotten from readers.

But it seemed from the correspondence I received that my full position was not conveyed after last week's writing against the British Prime Minister blaming parents for the riots in his country.

The essence of my parenting philosophy is that of parents being responsible for their offspring. While I condemn the inequalities in our nation’s public education system, I believe that if parents had the same attitude regarding the inferior education their kids receive as they would have if they bought a new car and found the dealer had sold them a lemon, schools would be forced to measure up because parents would not put up with education lemons.

That said, for a leader of a country to blame social unrest, and that in my opinion is in part what riots are, on poor parenting is a problem of ignoring crucial issues.

There are so many factors that contribute to the burning, looting and violence that occur in the streets, and to single out lack of quality parenting as the cause leads us to believe that if only the young people came from better homes this kind of social unrest would not occur.

I make no excuses for parents who don’t teach moral values, who don‘t preach against violence and who should have their children home at night or at least know if they aren’t at home that they are somewhere engaged in acceptable behavior.

However, I can’t support those who fail to understand not every parent knows how to parent. Families living a lifestyle of violence most certainly are not preaching against it. Children who experience a lifestyle of disrespect aren’t knowledgeable when it comes to respecting others or the property of others.

Moral values? Well, I remember the parent who locked the front screen and would not allow the crying son to come into the house.

Why? “Don’t you come to this door crying because somebody kicked your a--. You better kick his or you don’t have a home to come back to.”

The lessons of life that we teach children aren’t the same in every home. Are the juvenile detention centers filled because mom and pop didn’t do their job? Maybe the bigger question is are they full of delinquents because the parents didn’t know what their job was or how to do it?

Of course parents are responsible for their offspring and, as an irate reader asked, “Well Ms Smith, don’t parents smile and take responsibility when their kids complete their work at the university?”

Yup, they sure do. Those are usually the parents who knew the path for applying to a university, being accepted and then graduating.

For the British rioters and their parents the Prime Minister points the finger at, they are following the path they know and I believe, wrong or right, that if those parents knew better they would teach better.

What caused the riots? I stand by my position, no matter how many readers no longer consider me trustworthy, that the cause most certainly is not the simple answer of bad parents.

PARENTS BLAMED FOR LONDON RIOTS

2011-08-12 21:32:14

Are parents really to blame for the London riots as David Cameron, the country’s Prime Minister, has charged in his recent speech to the British Parliament?

The civil disturbance, as he refers to the riots, left at least 26 police officers injured and created over 55 arrests and was mainly carried out, according to news reports, by youths - some younger than 10 years old - looting and burning buildings and cars.

But as happens all too frequently, after civil unrest occurs, those in high position begin the task of shooting off their mouths and pointing fingers. Pretty much annoyed, in the first place, that this kind of nonsense should happen on their watch and in the case of Cameron, while he was vacationing - an attempt to rest from the exacting pressures bestowed upon a man of his high ranking position.

Upon his return to duty, it was at the emergency session of Parliament called to discuss the riots, that Cameron said family breakdown and poor parenting were significantly responsible for the civil unrest.

This guy's thinking takes parents to task for not having control of where their children were or what they were up to during those crazy days of street warfare.

Now, in the wake of uncontrolled anti-social juvenile behavior, the adult caretakers of young people are suddenly expected to be so much more than society has ever helped them become.

Life in London for the disenfranchised, like life in Harlem, Los Angeles, Chicago, Oakland or any of the urban centers in the good ol’ USA that I have visited, only becomes a focal point when trouble erupts.

The question of the poverty lifestyle that Cameron focuses on exists on a daily basis for families with single female heads of household, with children lacking access to quality education and people living in an environment spawning a culture that glorifies violence.

There’s no real help for troubled families whether here at home or abroad. Right now there’s lots of accusation, conversation and lots more buzz being offered by the pundits, but the issue will quite soon be put to rest.

In Los Angeles, Watts went up in flames back in the summer of 1965. The Kerner Commission studied the causes and issued a report on that unrest.

I read it back then so when I visit Watts in 2011 it is clearly evident how much difference has not been made.

News coverage of that carnage produced a photo that appeared in one of our national magazines of a young mother inside a burning shoe store, not looting, but methodically trying to find shoes to fit her very young child that she had with her.

Poor parenting skills are abundant when you visit the homes of those on the margin of society.

Ask the parents who I work with, who our non-profit organization has been involved with on the streets and in homes for over 15 years, about where they see their children in the next 10 to 15 years and many, straight-up, will answer prison.

For those who dare to think differently and claim higher education, any further discussion lets you know they have no concept of which road will take them there. There’s only one path on their horizon - the road to the big house.

Parents to blame? Unfortunately they only can do that which they know and Prime Minister David Cameron hasn’t helped them know any better.

FOOTBALL CAN BE DEADLY IN THE HEAT

2011-08-05 21:29:19

A heat wave, in very simple terms, means the weather is very hot and has been so for a number of days. Triple Digit, as the weather reporters refer to the temperatures when they get to be in the hundreds, generally translates for us common folk to mean - stay inside.

Football players, in hot helmets and hot body gear and pads are dropping dead again this summer because, it seems to me, neither their adult coaches or the parents of the players think like we common folk do.

In the midst of a summer heat wave, might parents say, “What about practice? Oh, no, you’re not gonna be out there on that field.”

Should any parent utter such fighting words, I can almost hear the teenager, the aspiring National Football League player, responding with, “But my coach said . . .”

What’s with these coaches? What’s with these men our young student athletes hand over their lives to in the chancy dream of being trained to make it to the promised land of football fame?

In Atlanta, GA, the local newspapers report that two high school football players, DJ Searcy and Forrest Jones, died last Tuesday following practice. Officials, the paper says, are trying to determine the effects of hot weather on the players.

At the University of Georgia, researchers are in the final stages of a three-year study on heat risks associated with high school athletics.

Scientists at some notable institutes are reporting that overweight players turning out for first time seasonal practice, this time of year in the heat, present a high risk factor.

In Texas this past week, even a high school coach collapsed and died after the day's practice. His preliminary autopsy report lists heat exposure combined with a heart condition.

Gosh, one doesn’t have to be an official performing an autopsy, an academic researcher or a scientist, to know heat isn't good for the body.

My mother said I couldn’t play jumprope or tetherball in my back yard on a hot summer day. My grandmother made me take her parasol to the corner store, even when it wasn’t triple digit.

Maybe these folk in my family were the background of experience that led me to file a complaint with the State of California against the local sixth-grade teacher who continually ignored my notes to him stating my child who had asthma could not walk around the school field when the temperature was in the 100’s and fires were burning in the nearby foothills.

Mother-wit can often trump those in power but I suspect the parents of athletes certainly put more stock in the star-maker coaches than in their own ability to know what's best.

Our aspirations for our children quite often mean the offspring are in the hands of others. May those others soon began to understand heat kills and it's okay for young football players and even coaches to stay off the field.

KIMBERLY WIMBERLY HAS GONE TO COURT FOR ALL BLACK STUDENTS

2011-07-30 15:50:23

Kimberly Wimberly, who lives way down south in Arkansas, is nobody’s country girl. The young lady recently graduated from McGehee Secondary School earning the highest grade point average in her class.

Most often this classification is known to crown such a student as the class valedictorian. The word is defined as an academic title conferred upon the highest-ranked student among those graduating from an educational institute in the United States.

McGehee Secondary School doesn’t seem to be quibbling about Wimberly’s top-ranked placement, and most of us recognize that Arkansas is, indeed, located in the good ol’ USA.

While the state was part of the Confederacy, the Civil War settled that concept of whether it was part of a separate entity. Arkansas is, and has been for over 100 years, located in the United States of America.

But something’s amiss as Wimberly has submitted a complaint to the U.S. District Court for Arkansas’ Eastern District which claims she was named the school’s valedictorian and then later given co-valedictorian status with a white student who had lower grades. The complaint further claims she was stripped of the original status because she is black.

Oh, you say, there goes one of them, again, yelling racism whenever things don’t go their way. What truly can be the matter with having this honor split between as many graduating students as possible?

In a school with a 46% black student population, Wimberly’s had to kick some butt to reach the top and having done so, this academic honor she rightly believes ought to be hers.

Kick butt? Her complaint also argues the school district habitually withheld from black students access to challenging classes.

Come on now, what’s that supposed to mean? To clarify for those who would pose the question, the answer is in just about every inner-city school district across the nation.

On the first day of every school year, there was just one question I asked all of my six children throughout their junior and senior high school years: How many white kids are in your class?

If they had to think about their answer, my next statement was; : See your counselor and change the class.

A high number of black students in a class spelled doom, whereas a high number of white students meant we could expect a challenge - a high level of work and expectations.

Kick butt means Wimberly had to, with little help from teachers or counselors, find those advance placement classes on her own and with the help of her home support group.

Cry wolf? I don’t think so. Cry racism? Answer for yourself why the black student with the top grades became a co-valedictorian.

Superintendent of Schools in Arkansas, Thomas Gathen, has told CNN that " . . . This is strictly an academic issue and a policy issue, not a racial issue.”

Perhaps, but officials who are pretty much tight-lipped at this point saying they’ve not been served with court papers, aren’t saying having co-valedictorians is not an anomaly and a search of their records will show us this is how it is always done at McGehee Middle School.

However, anything short of the school’s past selection process reflecting this (and I’ve got faith in Wimberly and her support team doing their homework before going to court) looks to me like white folks are at it, again.

THOSE THRILLING SHOPPING DAYS OF YESTERYEAR

2011-07-23 12:23:03

AS we strolled the aisles in the supermarket this past week, it was a return to the thrilling days of yesterday, words from the opening introduction to the Lone Ranger radio show.

The Lone Ranger wasn't riding again and it most certainly wasn't the prices, placed on the shelves in king size font, that took me back to yesterday.

Growing up, everyone we knew window shopped. It wasn't an activity to be ashamed of. It just seemed living in the city, even with a Sears catalog in the back bedroom, checking out what stores had to offer and for what price was a key component to engage in prior to going back to the store for a purchase.

While last week, the local Ralphs market wasn't displaying merchandise in their windows, for me, the old-time concept still prevailed as I glanced longingly at the merchandise and then recoiled upon seeing the price.

"Don't touch those animal crackers," I warned Brandi, who had cookies on her grocery list.

"Animal Cookies for $2.25 are not going home with us," I announced.

Brandi, while not having lived in the days of window shopping, has caught on quickly to today's version, which I've dubbed aisle shopping - you look, you see, you contemplate.

The frozen food section required that we also cut ice cream from our list. We've been "shopping" for this goody for months now, and on this day it was even more unwelcome in our cart than on past excursions.

Over time, rather than boost the price of the cream, the containers have simply gotten smaller. But now we were faced with both another shrinkage in the amount we would have gotten and a price increase to boot.

We wandered the aisles looking for the items on our list, but like Target, the 99 Cent Only Store and other places where we spend our little bit of money, items get moved from their regular lodging posts, which requires all of us to roam the aisles and, for some, putting things in their cart they hadn't thought of buying before leaving home.

High food prices, aside from the extra treats of ice cream and cookies, are driving low-income consumers to put basic necessities on their credit cards as income gains are failing to keep pace with rising prices, according to an article by Anna-Louise Jackson and Anthony Feld.

The credit-card purchases then boost the already too-high price for the item, because there's interest attached to the balance when only a minimum payment is affordable.

One of my older daughters, the one with the amazing will power, says she hasn't purchased animal crackers, a favorite of hers from childhood, since their price increased from 50 cents a package.

Window shopping never afforded us the opportunity to learn the conditions inside the package. In fact, this kind of shopping during those thrilling days of yesteryear never included scoping out food items.

Brandi says she's not making a grocery list anymore, and she's predicting animal crackers are a thing of her past.

We went to Smart and Final and purchased a giant five-pound box of Krusteaz Cookie Mix that makes about seven dozen different kinds of lip-smackers for about seven bucks.

Hi ho, Silver, The Lone Ranger rides again.

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED

2011-07-15 21:21:41

THE lady with the cute, fluffy and terribly pampered little lap dog said to each passer-by who stopped to admire the pink polka dot outfit it was wearing, "Oh, it's my daughter's baby but I'm in charge, here."

While I have referred to the little yapper as a lap dog, that description is from long ago. When doggie granny was through sitting next to me, she adjusted the "baby's" pink bonnet and put him in her purse. Well, it wasn't just any purse; it was actually a doggie purse complete with a lookout area for the passenger's head.

I suspect the proper term for this little pet would be to call it a purse dog but, then again, this term is only applicable when the animal is in transit.

The polka dot outfit was probably just one among many hanging in the doggie's closet. And granny was taking charge, I suspect, on a daily basis as to deciding what her baby would wear and also managing all of the responsibilities associated with caring for a pet.

Somewhere in our not too distant past, parents were able to recognize that children having pets in the home was one of the best opportunities for teaching responsibility.

Who should be feeding the pets and cleaning up behind them? Most certainly not the parents. Who should keep that notebook with the pet's health issues, licensing and other paperwork? The children in the household ought to do this when they're old enough.

There's many a lesson to be learned when it comes to discipline and for those of us whose household

members include cats, our kids, if we are careful to point it out, can see the frustrating similar issues.

In our house, Brandi understands but can't quite learn the lesson relating to screaming at her cat for knocking over the kitchen trash. She screams and the cat runs to hide. Screaming at the cat is as bad a disciplinary measure as screaming at kids - it doesn't work.

Well, if screaming won't work by itself Brandi then reasoned she should scream, chase, catch and then lock the cat in the bathroom as punishment.

Has it occurred to my daughter that the problem is not the cat in the trash but instead it is the trash in the kitchen that she didn't take out?

"Stupid cat," I've heard Brandi mutter and also complain further, as she cleans up the mess, that the cat knows better than to do this.

The cat is just being a cat and her young owner is being just that - young. But what similarities.

In every household, where both children and pets reside, there are untold stories of lessons learned or to be learned.

Getting back to granny and her gathering of compliments on the pink polka dot doggie outfit accessorized with the plain pink bonnet the pet she was in charge of was wearing, she may well be exemplifying that emerging trend called kids and a lack of responsibility which we see all too often with teenage girls. They think it's great to have a baby but know nothing about the responsibility involved; then they end up having it taken over by a granny who enjoys showboating.

GETTING PAST THE ANTHONY VERDICT

2011-07-08 22:08:58

It might serve the public well to stop obsessing over the not guilty verdict rendered in the Casey Anthony trial.

Was Anthony guilty of doing away with Caylee, her 3-year-old daughter? Did the jury allow a murdering mama to be set free? Did the prosecution prove their case?

Angry crowds are screaming "yes" to all of these questions. Protestors in front of the Florida courthouse where the verdict was handed down and bloggers and other writers online aren't accepting any of the words or reason explaining how our American justice system worked the way it should.

Gone from the counsel table is the sour-faced defendant who always dressed in drab-colored blouses with hair, like an old-time school marm, wrapped into a bun at the back of the neck.

With only a few days left before walking free, Anthony later appeared in court wearing a baby-blue sweater clinging well across her well-defined and curving breast.

The partying mom, as many called her, let her long hair flow down her back and drape attractively across one shoulder.

Tot Mom, as TV commentator Nancy Grace called her, was all smiles when back in court for the sentencing phase. The cameras even caught the most hated woman in America winking.

I suspect many of us wish this nightmarish event would go away. While the public is calling for giving Anthony some of what she gave Caylee and the talking heads on television suggest she just might want to relocate to another country, there is a desperate need for a formula that will take us past all of this.

There are plenty of good people not having kept up with the trial and this aftermath who say they have a strategy. Entirely too busy, they say, to let an issue of this kind consume their time.

When my daughter Brandi announced that "Somebody is going to shoot that bad mother" as we watched the televised courtroom as the verdict was read, I had to try to have an understanding that this wasn't just any old trial.

The public feels a real connection to Caylee and the recent change to a baby-blue sweater, a fetching smile, long swirling hair and a winking eye by the accused has helped even those with a strategy to move away from this issue see a woman parading a smirk and swagger that says, "We fooled you once ..."

For any reality show offers or book deals that may be offered to Momma Baby Blue, I suspect they won't be money-makers. The public is not going to buy this mother's story.

May my Brandi be proven wrong in her belief that violence is yet to come. May the security that's being talked about for the entire Anthony family provide them a safer environment than that which they provided Caylee.

How do we get past this? At this point, what does justice for Caylee really mean?

THE ANTHONY FAMILY'S TRUMP THE SYSTEM PHILOSOPHY

2011-07-01 22:17:12

From time to time, something really big comes along that also involves very little clarity.

Such events defy even the concept of explanation. Still, there may be a lesson to be learned from the scenario. And if that lesson is one to help us raise our children to be better people, it's well worth taking the time to decipher the tangled code.

Children lie. Parents lie. People lie. B.B. King belts out the truth in his lyrics: "Everybody lies a little - sometimes."

It's when people cross the line B.B. sings about and everything becomes a lie, and a big one - as with Casey Anthony, who is on trial for the murder of her child, Caylee.

Find the kid who's never lied, as the parents would tell you, and you'll be looking at a youngster who will grow up believing she can get away with, well, murder.

One of the best techniques for helping our kids find the path to the truth is to confront them with the lies they tell and to make sure consequences accompany such wicked little deeds.

We've all told 'em. Some of us were held to the fire by our parents. And then there are those like Casey Anthony's who must have gotten away with stupid stuff as a kid and then felt confident in carrying that behavior into adulthood telling bigger and better whoppers.

My biggest lie? It was that the kid from down the street came in the bedroom where I was napping and poured out my grandmother's perfume. And he came in the front door, I guess, passing the adults who were assembled next to the entrance.

It was about a week before I could sit comfortably on my very sore bottom. Did that keep me telling the truth?

Of course not, but it sure let me know there were serious consequences associated with such behavior. Some parents chuckle and call these incidents a show of creativity.

This trial, with the defense claiming the toddler whose remains were found in the woods died as a result of an accidental drowning and that mom is not to blame, makes a mockery of parental responsibility.

The crazy courtroom circus we've had the opportunity to view, by way of contradictory witness testimony by tearful members of the defendant's family, and by evidence that tends to point in another direction, provides parents an important lesson that we all should be teaching.

What I see in this trial is George and Cindy, the parents of the pathological lying defendant, having created their child in their very own image.

I see parents who, when raising this daughter, must never have spelled out the ground rules for truth, because that's not a value they exhibit or possess - and now, when the chickens have come home to roost, they are willing to do everything in their power to save the monster they created.

But their parental power doesn't carry over to the courtroom - it doesn't influence judge or jury. While the Anthonys are an extreme example portraying the need for those of us in charge of children to provide them a home value system in sync with the broader society, they are not alone in raising kids on a philosophy they think can trump the system.

TAKING THE 'LAZY' OUT OF THE DAYS OF SUMMER

2011-06-26 08:08:24

FAR too many parents are at a loss when it comes to managing their kids now that summer vacation is here.

This type of late June through early September frenzy speaks loudly about schools being seen as babysitters.

These months, when programmed academia has come to a halt, can be the opportunity we parents have been missing out on all year long. These summer days can be that part of the year when we find out, in case we haven't been keeping up, just what exactly our youngsters have and have not been up to when it come to learning.

Did our elementary student write any kind of report this past year? If so, unless the paper was an A+, a brief review will most surely produce a few loopholes that time spent in the local library can help fill in the missing points to the product.

While not every parent has the know-how to help improve the project, there are great people working at the library who can assist.

But let's be clear, this is a parent-child project with a little help from the staff who are not be seen as the summertime babysitters.

Often, parents speak proudly of their offspring sleeping late into the afternoon, which means, according to the in-charge adult who permits this inactivity, there's really not much need for any summer-time plan.

Oh, to plop these city-dwelling, late-sleeping teenagers down on the farm where their grandparents grew up in an environment when the work day started before dawn.

Oh, to see these days ahead of us as an opportunity to help our children be better prepared for September when it rolls around much quicker than we thought it would get here.

And why can't the teenagers spend a little time doing the academic work they never did last school year?

Myron, who didn't do so well in math class and did about the same in social studies and history, would benefit greatly from some parental summertime scheduling.

While schools are certainly on the chopping block for not delivering what they are mandated to do - educating children - there's a few things parents ought to recognize as our responsibility.

With knowledge available at the click of a computer, online search, there's no place for lazy days of summer. "Geez," my own kids used to declare, "can't you let up and give us a break?"

There's only one answer and maybe I got it from my grandparents, even though they did not grow up on a farm, "Your whole life is a break."

Summer boredom shouldn't exist. Summer activities shouldn't be built upon whatever programs the recreation departments and other organizations offer.

Surely we parents are creative enough to establish age appropriate schedules, projects, chores and cost-free entertainment.

Last weekend, two kids in my neighborhood had a blanket on their front lawn and a large picnic basket. They stretched out for close to an hour nibbling on snacks and chit-chatting with each other.

Some parents paint their own picture for the kids, others may not, as yet, understand they've got the power to make the lazy days of summer a unique and meaningful experience.

IT WAS SWEET WHEN DAD CAME MARCHING HOME

2011-06-18 00:45:18

MY dad marched off to World War II when other dads in our neighborhood were left behind.

How come Mr. Pickett, father of two, got drafted? As best I can remember, and there's no one left in our family or our circle of old-time friends who can say differently - my mother had filed divorce papers.

Well, anyway, that's what dad claimed. But history tells the story somewhat differently. Initially, it is true that fathers weren't part of those called up for duty, but I've read because of the rise in war casualties, married men and fathers were added to the list of drafted men.

So, no matter my mother's flagrant actions, Mr. Pickett was destined for that trip overseas aboard a UnitedStates carrier to fight the Germans and the Japanese.

Did he bring back war stories? Maybe so, but I never heard any. But he did return with some specials that no other kids on our block had privy to.

My older sister and I got loaded into the old Ford car without automatic windows, air conditioning or a mapping system and off we went to Fort MacArthur in San Pedro.

War meant a lot of changes in life and one of those was the rationing of just about everything. Having a candy bar was pretty much unheard of and both Baby Ruths and Milky Ways became no more than a thought of days gone by.

But not after Dad came home and took us to San Pedro. I guess it was the commissary where returning soldiers could buy lots of things. I had no name for the place and didn't really need one- for me it was the candy store.

There was something magic about being the only kids on the block who had boxes of the sugar treats when no one else had any, because their dads weren't returning from duties overseas.

During the days of rationing, I remember the man standing outside the Coliseum in Exposition Park who sold me a penny piece of bubble gum for a dime - and I was glad to get it.

With Dad back home and frequent trips to Fort MacArthur providing more candy than my mother would allow us to eat, magic was in the air - or so I thought.

Butch Edmonson from down the street, my father announced one day, would probably like some of our candy to share with his brothers and sisters.

But Ms. Edmonson hadn't filled any divorce papers. Mr. Edmonson had not been shipped off to fight in France and Germany. Young Shirlee Pickett wanted to know, but knew better than to ask, how come their kids should share what soldiers' families got?

My father had a strange way of reading my thoughts. Maybe because we were both Capricorns. However he came to see things, I didn't get to go to San Pedro again and our supply of candy strangely disappeared from the sacred storage spot.

By the way, my mother's plans for divorce must have gotten squelched as my younger sister, born in 1947 and classified as one of the many born as a result of returning soldiers, was clear evidence of a marriage no longer on the rocks.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 . The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo or click the AT&T Universe Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further information.

GOOD GOLLY, MS MOLLY, YOU EAT WHAT?

2011-06-11 10:22:55

For the sake of anonymity, I'll just refer to my one-time neighbor as Ms. Molly. I'm not going to list the names of her children, either. I guess this goes without saying, for to call the offspring by name would reveal the true identity of the woman who was supposed to be in charge.

Ms. Molly had five kids and one dog. It is amazing how pets have come to occupy a spot in some of our lives that often gets more attention than the humans.

Pinky, as I came to call the neighbor's poodle because it wore this color clothing more often than anything else, was only fed gourmet, organic dog food because, well, just because.

Pinky's, unlike the children's, dietary needs were a top consideration for my neighbor although she did put a bit of planning into the acquisition of what the kids would eat.

Monday was drive-thru at McDonald's, Tuesday was Jack in the Box, Wednesday was The Colonel's, Thursday was leftovers and Friday was a sit-down meal inside Carl's Jr.

"What?" she always demanded of me when I would ask about this kind of dinner schedule.

Vegetables? "There's lettuce and tomato on the burgers and potatoes are still in that category," was her constant remark when this conversation came up.

Fries, burgers and a shake were the standard food fair. But Pinky the poodle was not allowed to partake of any leftover fast-food junk because, well, just because.

The dog went to the veterinarian for regular check-ups, immunizations and whatever else pampered pets are seen for. During these visits, Ms. Molly shared with me that she was given sound professional advice as to what her dog should and should not eat. Plain and simple, she explained, only organic, balanced meals.

The government regulates and inspects what people eat, and fast-food restaurants would not get permits to operate if they were serving bad food, according to my one-time neighbor, who also believed a shake was milk for the day and a strawberry one answered the call for the day's fruit.

She didn't outright call me Old Fuddy-Dud, but by suggesting I haven't kept up with the times, or fast food, I got the definite impression my thoughts on what kids should and shouldn't eat weren't very current.

Ms. Molly moved away before McDonald's began serving oatmeal for breakfast, but she only went there for dinner, anyway.

What did her kids eat for breakfast? She said she didn't really know because they were eligible for the free breakfast and lunch program at their school and her only responsibility was to provide dinner.

I suspect this mother isn't alone in her belief that whatever we're sold in an eatery is good for us or it wouldn't have passed inspection. However, her calculation regarding a strawberry shake being something beyond red-colored sugar I hope is her own concept of what her kids are gulping down.

Talking with Ms. Molly, mother of many, made me wonder where we actually learn what and how to feed our children. If the veterinarian brought this dog owner to understand it was only to be fed certain food, what was the pediatrician not talking about?

WHICH KID IS THE BEST?

2011-06-04 08:56:09

The former boy's baseball coach said too many moms thought they could demand special treatment for their sons.

"They wanted this and they wanted that," and Coach went on to explain how too many of these moms thought they had a say when it came to what position their kid was to play on the team and when he should play.

When they don't have parents providing them with examples of how life really works, young people cannot be expected to grow up to be responsible adults.

Perhaps the rules have changed. Perhaps that old adage about how cheaters never prosper no longer has relevance. Maybe it never did.

The attitude that "my boy is the best pitcher on this team, so put him in, Coach" goes along with the pushy mom who believes her daughter, by any means necessary, is destined to be crowned queen of the beauty pageant.

From my early parenting years, I remember Michelle Mason, the dark-haired, blue-eyed little girl who was the daughter of the woman my mother worked for.

Mrs. Mason, according to my mother, the maid, on a daily basis told Michelle she was prettier than any little girl anywhere. Michelle, our family heard, spent hours in the mirror brushing her hair and practicing how to smile. She changed her outfits, shoes included, several times a day.

The little girl constantly repeated, in the same tone of voice, the words her mother pounded into her head.

Life went well until Michelle's first day at the exclusive private school when she looked around and saw many other pretty girls. She got off the school bus in tears.

Of course it was the maid's job to soothe the childhood heartache.

Life got more complicated at the Mason home when my brother went to work with my mother one summer day and was invited, by the son who was the age of my brother, to swim in the family pool.

The young man of the house couldn't keep up with the colored kid's strong kick and arm strokes in the water and was left by the edge of the pool.

Like his sister, he couldn't believe he wasn't the best. He demanded answers.

Back in the day, many of us in the African-American community learned a whole lot from the folks who ran the homes our mothers lived in.

While the Masons didn't set the standard for how kids on the other side of the tracks were raised, their method was certainly discussed, dissected and found to be lacking in responsible parenting.

My mother was known for holding conversations beginning like this: "Oh, no you will not, not with my grandchildren."

Of course we've known some people of color who are just as shortsighted when it comes to raising kids as the Masons were. This kind of parenting nonsense has no income level or ethnicity attached to it.

The coach didn't tell me if he'd been coaching a team for the haves or the have-nots because none of that mattered.

What matters most is that we, as parents, provide our children with both a clear view of the world they are going to live in and the tools they will need to excel.

CANCEL THE SENIOR PROM?

2011-05-27 22:35:17

If you catch `em in the grocery store, they'll be quick to discuss the high price of food and how they're learning to leave certain items on the shelf.

One woman in the 99 Cents Only Store, after emptying the goods out of her shopping basket at the checkout counter, yelped at her total price and told the clerk, "Some of this stuff gonna have to go back!"

There's not much disagreement these days when the conversation turns to our troubled national economy and household money being tight, which doesn't help me understand why all schools haven't cancelled the senior prom or why parents haven't simply said to their graduating offspring, "You're just not going."

One nonsensical response I hear often, because I raise this question whenever I'm in the company of a group of parents, goes like this: "She's been looking forward to this for years."

Another piece of nonsense that gets thrown my way says, "It's not about the money, it's all about making our kids know we care."

Caring about the kids, in the eyes of too many parents, includes the cost of renting a stretch limo for the ride to and from the ball. Then add in the cost of a day at the spa, with pedicure, manicure, massage, facial, make-up and hair styling. And of course the gown must have the appropriate accessories including shoes, evening bag and jewelry.

The young men will be forced to rent a tuxedo and the right kind of shoes for the occasion. They will contribute to the limo cost and are responsible for a corsage for the young lady that's good for one night only and then placed in the refrigerator until it shrivels up and dies.

Caring about the kids, in the eyes of too many parents, doesn't include making sure their offspring learned anything during the 12 years they've been in school. In fact, more time will probably be spent planning for the evening's ride in the overpriced carriage than was ever spent monitoring homework, school projects or academic success.

Should a parent disclose the truth about their economic circumstances and let it be known they can't actually afford all that stuff they put into their basket at the 99 Cents Only Store? Yes, I think so.

It's probably a lot easier to come to terms with the economy when it's grocery store prices wrecking havoc on the family's money than it is to fess up about the high cost of a prom when the credit card can get flashed and paying for this one-nighter will be taken care of with low minimum payments applied to the high balance for the next many years.

Oh, I didn't really forget to mention the cost of the tickets students are required to purchase in order to attend this high school rite of passage, but it didn't seem the thing to do when our educators are scrambling for every dollar they can find.

If the dollars spent for the ticket and other prom expenses are all about putting a dent in the education budget crisis, it makes cents that proms aren't being cancelled and darn it, once again, I've missed the mark.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo or click the AT&T Universe Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

UH, DID MARIA'S MOTHER FORGET SOMETHING?

2011-05-20 21:27:06

There are many conversations mothers should have with their daughters, which causes me to be puzzled with the Maria Shriver story, because well-heeled husbands sleeping with the household help (or others) is one of those mother-daughter little chit-chats.

This latest keep-it-going media frenzy is not really what we would call news in my community.

White men like Maria's husband, Arnold, have been sleeping with the household worker women since back in slavery days, as my mother told her daughters in those conversations I was naíve enough to believe all mothers conducted.

A look at history takes us back to ancient times, when men of power took to the sheets with whomever they chose.

How come high-society Shriver missed, in her upper-class upbringing, what we who lived on the other side of life came to know as the way things were? Weren't there a few previous womanizing scandals in the Kennedy family - Maria's family?

Shriver isn't the only one on the upper-crust list who's had a husband fooling around with the help, and she isn't the only one with a hubby who fathered a child out of wedlock.

I heard from my mother that my great-great-grandmother, who was freed from slavery at the age of 12, grew up in the master's house because she was the master's child.

And what have I told my daughters? I keep my family's old-time stories alive. I am also able to include, in this oral tradition of ours, the stories that have emerged from the latter day slavery system: live-in household help.

While much hoopla is being made of Arnold's housekeeper-mistress and mother of his so-called secret son wanting to be Maria - wearing Maria's clothes, her jewelry and dressing her son like Maria dressed her son - again, this isn't news for those of us who know the backstory on the help.

Throughout my growing-up years, I overheard stories being discussed about live-ins my family knew trying to explain their way out of a caught-you situation when they forgot to take off whatever costume they were using for that day's fantasy while the Missus was away.

Many of the wealthy women in Maria's family and in their circle of friends most certainly came home on some occasion and found the help wearing a necklace, bracelet, earrings or maybe even fancy lingerie that wasn't theirs.

Masquerading as the Missus is not uncommon. Help has long identified with the family they work for, and quite often the status the help enjoys in their own community is derived solely from the status of their employer.

I'm shocked to hear, from this current story of rich and powerful men doing what they've done throughout the ages, that their wives are allegedly clueless regarding this historical practice.

Was Maria really clueless? Didn't her mother tell her any of the stories my mom told me?

Even if her mom said nothing, surely she was bright enough to make a few observations of her own about the philandering practices of the Kennedy men.

WE CAN ALL HELP TO CHANGE FOSTER CARE

2011-05-14 08:28:45

It's an organization that tends to keep adults in their place. For once in their lives, foster youth have top say when it comes to the California Youth Connection, whose membership is comprised of mostly former and current foster kids.

Oh, there are adult members, too, but they don't get to take the leadership roles - and that's just how it should be.

Throughout the years, our foster-care system has shown us it doesn't represent a "Father Knows Best" scenario. Those who have experienced the trauma of having their young lives disrupted by out-of-home placement can most certainly provide better insight into needed improvements than the adults who have the job of managing California's local Departments of Children and Family Services.

CYC gets down to the mission of involving foster youth in policy development and legislative changes aimed at improving the system. The organization also works to improve social work practice and child welfare policy.

This isn't just a talk-about-doing-something program. These young people go about the business of both advocacy and leadership.

Returning from a recent trip to Sacramento with a group of young legislative advocates, Brittany Edwards was beaming with pride as she told me about CYC's Mental Health Bill of Rights passing unanimously through the Human Services Committee. As a sidebar, she threw in that this happened with two Republican votes - even with the political party's leadership recommending a "NO."

Emancipated foster youth, those who have aged out of the system, are now being reported as the largest group of homeless persons finding their way into shelters - outnumbering America's war veterans, the longtime leader in that unfortunate category.

There are so many issues to work on and Edwards explains the organization has chapters throughout the state with members who set their own agenda.

She says one of the issues being discussed among youth members is the pay foster parents receive to care for children in placement but too often the emphasis is more on pay and not on the care.

In looking back, she admits to being angry and rebellious during her many years being a foster child and now realizes the homes she was in that did care, she wasn't able to recognize their rules as being an expression of concern for her well being.

While Edwards had a tremendous experience meeting with the elected folk, she knows it's also the everyday people who must become aware of the issues that face California's young and vulnerable foster youth population.

Her dream: She'd like very much to see the stigma that's attached to being a kid in the system removed. Edwards says she feels literally less of a person because of her long time placement

May happens to be National Foster Care Month. But this designation only has meaning when we take note of what Brittany and the CYC are moving forward with.

The organization welcomes those who are not current or former foster youth. We can become volunteers or adult supporters. If you know foster youth who'd be interested, tell them about CYC. Learn more by visiting website at www.calyouthconn.org

THE MILLION MOM MARCH TO CHINO

2011-05-06 23:12:08

I've got tears in my eyes! Not because of a touching Mother's Day card, or an elegantly wrapped gift, but then again, maybe that's what the burst of emotion is really all about.

Mother's Day gifts come in strange and different ways. I learned from my own mom, a long time ago, that the special day doesn't have much to do with shopping for stuff. I also learned to believe in sharing with others whatever quality of life I've come to enjoy that others haven't had the same opportunity to experience.

It's the incarcerated mothers program run by Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, our nonprofit organization, and the community's response to it that's keeping the tears flowing.

Last week I wrote about the project kicking off this weekend at California Institute for Women in Chino and made mention that the funding we'd been promised had dried up.

Since then, we've received checks, small and large, from so many of you. We've received donations online and I've teared-up every time I open an email.

Meta McCullough, long-time local community activist, telephoned to say she had set aside a small cash donation but didn't have transportation - could I pick it up?

We were told by state Sen. Carol Liu's aide, when it was determined her office wasn't going to fund the project that was a year in the making, that we should consider calling the women's prison to cancel.

But there are over 125 women at the prison on the wait list. The current class is at capacity level with 25 participants.

We should have cancelled? No funding being the reason?

No way.

My mother was a domestic, and growing up there were scores of stories about maids and rich ladies.

For instance: A rich lady asked Bertha, the maid, to come into her room, close her eyes and only open them when fingers snapped.

When Bertha opened up, Ms. Lady was modeling a full-length fancy fur coat.

"Hm, Ms., where you get that?"

"I met a man with a million dollars."

Long about a month later, Bertha asked Ms. Lady back to the maid's room and asked that she close her eyes and await the finger snap.

When told to open, Ms. Lady exclaimed, "Bertha! Where? How did you get that?"

Bertha smiled, modeled to the left and then to the right, smiled again, and replied, "I met a million men with a dollar."

Next time elections roll around and I'm asked to mark my ballot for one of our trusted politicians, I'm going to write in "community partnerships" - for it is truly the million men and women with the dollar who are delivering. It is the community that cares about the mothers behind the wall.

The overwhelming response and support has been a Mother's Day joy that I and the rest of our team will take to Chino.

This full year of development for a much-needed program for mothers has been a challenge well worth the experience of a lifetime - thanks to all of you for believing in what I do.

Tax-deductible donations can still be made to Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, P.O. Box 40547, Pasadena, CA 91114 or, here, online at homepage "donate".

MOTHERS SHOULDN'T BE FORGOTTEN

2011-04-30 20:38:28

When we hear a mother say about visits to the prison from her kids, “I was overwhelmed wondering what I would say to them . . .my fear is being forgotten,” we know where our services belong.

Our non-profit organization, Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, is headed inside the walls of California Institute for Women (CIW) in Chino where the inmate total is 2,597. While the facility doesn’t keep records on the number of those who are mothers, general statistics regarding women in prison say 80% of them are.

U.S. Department of Justice says female inmates have increased 843% in the last 3 decades. California’s female population is reported as the fastest growing in the nation.

With the assistance of California State Senator Carol Liu’s office, we’ve been working on our project for over a year

“Well, they’ve done the crime they’ve got to pay with time, “ said one long time supporter of the parenting classes we’ve been doing on the outside.

From Pacific Palisades to South Central Los Angeles, I’ve spent ten years working with parents who have nannies raising their kids and also with those who can’t afford after school care to handle the hours between when the kids get home and when the adults return from work.

I’ve worked with foster parents and I’ve worked with those whose children are in the “system” who must attend classes in order to regain custody.

Another doubter of the benefit for mothers in prison learning something about communication skills, role modeling, safe home environments, helping children succeed and positive environmental influence, said the only thing a parolee was thinking about would be a place to live, food to eat and securing employment.

Gloria Barrios, a member of the our prison project team, a current California state certified rehabilitation counselor and former inmate at California Institute for Women, doesn’t think that’s quite the case and we’ve taken her word over the naysayer’s.

She knows the ropes; she served ten years on the first incarceration and later, as a parent, served two years and thought constantly of the 3 kids she’d left behind and how, if ever, she could make up the time lost.

Incarceration was one thing being single, she says, but it was a different story as a mother experiencing what she had deprived both she and her kids of.

Last summer, Barrios was back on the familiar “yard” with the senator's legislative aide, Randall Sampson, CIW Community Partnership Manager and myself as we paid the first visit to the site where we will kick off the six-week program starting Mother’s Day weekend.

But now we’ve encountered another kind of naysayer. Just when we’re all set to go, we've learned funding isn't going to be available. With the state’s fiscal crisis, the prison system has been forced to cut hundreds of millions of dollars from education programs. Our budget is miniscule.

We’re going to the big house, anyway. We’re not going to forget the stories we’ve heard or the need we know exists because we also know that the betterment of mothers that of their children is at stake, here.

Maybe you, or some contact you have, agrees with us that mothers should not be fearful of being forgotten and one of the steps toward remembrance is being able to know what to say to your kid.

Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith is a non-profit charitable organization, donations are tax-deductible, and can be made through pay pal here on the website, or mailed to P.O. Box 40547, Pasadena, CA 91114.

NO EASTER BUNNY?

2011-04-22 23:01:22

There's a lot to discover about kids by the way they treat their pets. And there are a lot of lessons about life that kids come to learn when they have one.

Dana the little dachshund got let out of the backyard by, as the teenage owner reported, a nuisance kind of kid who lived next door.

The nuisance kid and his mother went looking for the pet and even checked the local animal shelter but didn't find the dog.

The owner wasn't taking lost for an answer, and every day after school went knocking on doors in her neighborhood. One week later, she found Dana the dachshund under a woodpile at a house about a mile away from home.

Not such a courageous story is the one about the owner of the guinea pig who, like kids in many homes, never want to clean the cage or feed the little animal.

Mom eventually tired of reminders and kept her mouth closed until the day her pre-teen daughter had company over and was bragging about the pet and took the friend to the back porch to meet the creature.

What a sad ending, but what a lesson!

Daughter dear, who grew up to become a physician - her mother was a pediatrician - remembers the shock and embarrassment of finding a dead animal. Nor a not very fond memory, but certainly one remembered.

Just about every parent at some point considers bringing a pet into the family as an opportunity for love to be shared and responsibility to be learned.

All across the nation, today, shoppers are picking out cute and fuzzy little rabbits to give as gifts tomorrow, as calling them Easter bunnies.

There is no such thing as an Easter bunny that will hop down a bunny trail. After they've been lifted out of the decorated basket they've been presented in, every bunny will be just like any other pet.

While fuzzy, cuddly and cute on Easter Sunday morning, by evening there's going to be the task of cleaning up droppings that just about every kid will complain about.

The new pet is going to create the age-old routine of needing money for an adequate cage (the pretty basket is not an adequate home) and food.

Then there's the care that isn't a welcome chore, and by mid-week the kids have abandoned all responsibility. The animals get dumped onto the street.

Rabbit rescue organizations plead with the public to recognize that these cute animals aren't toys and shouldn't be given as an Easter goody.

Not only are there a lot of lessons to be learned by kids when it comes to pets. There is lots to be learned about adults from how they handle supervising their kids, helping them to understand the responsibility that comes with being in charge of another something's life.

WHAT'S A BLOGGER WITHOUT READERS?

2011-04-17 19:37:24

Without you, the readers, who provide me with your view, this would be a lonesome pursuit.

I have a policy of not using the next week to follow up on the topic of the previous week, even when a large number of responders want more of the same, which was the case when I wrote about little girls and push-up bras.

Most times the emails regarding subject matter stretch from adamant support of my opinion to those who declare I'm a nut and say they're going to contact however many editors it takes, at the newspaper where this blog appears on the opinion page, to get me removed from the spotlight of appearing in the newspaper.

But when it came to making pre-teens sex objects, the views I received were 100 percent in my corner. The members of the general public were also outraged and made their views known, which caused the store selling the padded bras to change their marketing pitch.

No such luck with my whining about the increase in tickets being issued to drivers. No official word has been issued pertaining to letting motorists get by with even the slightest infraction.

One police officer took the time to ask me if I were suggesting he and the rest of the force not do their job. He further posed the question: Should the motorist driving a car with a broken tail light be allowed to continually operate a vehicle that is not in compliance? See his comment below.

Often readers simply use the form at the end of this blog to post their comments others send me emails and every one that comes my way is answered. No, there is not a staff person with an assignment of handling reader concerns.

For those who are surprised that the thank you for writing response is directly from me, I remind them that this is not the big time.

I do the work here. I also do the house and yard work at my home. I wash clothes, mop floors, pull weeds, pay the bills, grocery shop and all of the other on-going responsibilities.

The lady at the beauty shop, an avid follower of my words of wisdom, as the called them, remarked last week about my intelligence.

"Not intelligence," I responded and explained my view to her of what she cited as intelligence.

The reason she hung onto every word, I said, was that what she read pretty much echoed what she thought - it's just she didn't have the opportunity to formulate her position and then have somewhere to express it.

Did she see any sense in that analysis?

She seemed to be taking a stab at digesting my suggestion and I'm not sure how convinced she was, as it seems to me, a lot of people aren't too eager to share with the broader public that which they might express at the dinner table.

For me, anywhere I happen to be is the dinner table and I'm thankful for such an opportunity. But again, the biggest thanks is to readers and in particular those who take the time to send their comments.

THE MONEY CRUNCH

2011-04-08 21:39:57

The California Highway Patrol and local police officers, according to a recent newspaper report, issued 110,000 more traffic citations in Los Angeles County last year then they did at the start of the economic recession.

Speaking of the recession, many people, including an attorney who specializes in traffic cases, suspect heavy hands are issuing these tickets and are doing so to help local entities lessen their budget shortfalls.

Not so, say the officials, who claim the increase in citations issued is due to very legitimate occurrences and is all about safety.

A long time follower of this column, while concerned about her grandson's safety, was equally as concerned about the havoc he was wrecking on her fixed, low-income budget.

She never should have let hard-liner Shirlee know of the kid's intrusion on her limited finances. The young man lived with Granma and she took quite good care of him, from what she reported. Granma, however, wasn't very happy with my suggestion that she stop feeding the local municipality's coffers and instead order the kid to park the vehicle.

I doubt seriously that she, like many others, don't want to admit that times are hard and money just ain't flowing like it used to.

Safety first and revenue second may be how the officials want to call it, but there wasn't anything unsafe going on when the lady at the spa told me about arriving at her car just as time was expiring on the parking meter.

Not only did the man wearing the helmet on a bicycle give her a ticket for the expired meter, she also got another one for not being parked inside the white marked lines on the street.

These parking tickets aren't cheap. They cost $42.50 all over Pasadena town and twice that much if you're also not parked within the lines. Safety? There's no beating the bicycle-riding-ticket-giving-monsters because they are everywhere. It seems they descend from rooftops, emerge from alleyways, pop out of car trunks and even slither from the sewers.

Actually, there is a sure way to beat getting tickets. But I suspect this is where I got into trouble with my letter writer. I suggested she put her grandson on public transportation. Yes, the bus.

For those who want to text while driving and who will be paying $159 for the infraction, they might want to think about taking this addiction onto the bus. Nothing illegal when it comes to texting while riding.

April is California's Distracted Driving Awareness Month. What does this mean? For the California Highway Patrol, the answer is more citations. For drivers, it means unless our bad habits improve we can plan on dumping money into the coffers of those who need our dollars as badly as we do.

For grandmothers, parents and others who haven't as yet determined a kid who is old enough to drive is also old enough to be financially responsible for the tickets they receive, the money crunch will help to change this.

The downturn in the economy offers up a lot of lessons. Putting our kids on public transportation and catching the bus - ourselves - is pretty distasteful to many, but the money crunch may help to change these attitudes.

PADDED BRAS AND PADDED UNDIES?

2011-04-02 08:02:36

Abercrombie & Fitch recently decided not to market its push-up bikini tops to 7-year-old girls, who at this tender age, don't really have anything to push up.

Abercrombie & Fitch, according to my fashion-savvy daughter, is all about provocative clothing in the first place. So, if it decided not to market to the youngsters, this news, she remarked, must mean it was, indeed, pitching this junk to them.

Of course, that was the plan all along. But it seems the company has now bowed to pressure from a wide range of groups who complained about the sexualization of young girls. With the updated direction, only girls 12 and older will be targeted.

My friend Laurel Moss of Mendocino predicted the next thing we'll see hitting the kiddie fashion market would be little boy briefs with padding in the crotch.

Don't cross this off as being absurd just yet. If little girls can be made aware they should attempt to enhance what they don't yet have, why would boys be discriminated against?

With the kiddie fashion world always looking for a new hook and with parents who are gullible enough to buy and dress their kids according to someone else's dictate, I say anything is possible.

We have celebrities peddling their young daughters in adult make-up, fashion jewelry and 2-inch high heels - look out for what may be coming down the pike.

Suri Cruise, the 5-year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, not only masquerades in inappropriate attire but has also been seen with phallic-shaped gummy candy.

Is this little kid a trendsetter? Let's hope not.

I suspect the smart parents will outweigh the gullible ones - they with the grandparents will put their feet down and stomp out this nonsense.

For smart parents it will not matter much as to what the fashion industry has decided elementary school sex tantalizing students should adorn themselves in.

I'm looking for moms, even those with their own breast implants, to see farther than their own enhancements when it comes to purchasing push-uppers for their little daughters, putting them in high heels, adult make-up and allowing them to indulge in goodies that come in suggestive shapes.

At the pre-school age of little Suri, one would expect her to be enjoying the pleasures of childhood which certainly could include playing dress-up at home but wearing age-appropriate clothing for the outside world.

What difference does any of this make? Given the real-life concerns parents have to deal with on a daily basis, this stuff about what retailers are selling for kids, what age is appropriate for make-up and the question of little ones growing up too quickly is pretty much on the thought process back burner.

But maybe this kind of seemingly dumb stuff ought to be part of our real-life concerns. In a society that tends to embrace the concept of anything goes, if, as parents, we stop and ask ourselves what we want for our own sons and daughters we might determine we should at least give half a hoot about what other parents see as acceptable.

CHRIS BROWN IS BAD NEWS

2011-03-25 23:09:41

Can't the media find a legitimate role model for our youth? Chris Brown, the baby-faced, tattoo-chested entertainer, is the latest inappropriate-behaving chump being crammed down our throats, if we're stupid enough to still watch the evening news - and, unfortunately, many of us do.

For the smart ones who've missed this week's crazies, Brown, after an interview on "Good Morning America," trashed the dressing room, broke out a window and ripped off his shirt.

Is this what we should be calling news?

He got mad as hell because he was asked by the show's co-host about beating up his ex-girlfriend, Rihanna, who, back when the incident happened, filed a domestic assault case against him.The interview went along calmly enough, with Brown dodging the question, like anyone has a right to do, continually repeating the seemingly rehearsed lines that were promoting his new album.

It was afterward in the dressing room that he went ballistic.

This kind of immature behavior should, first of all, not be tolerated in a civil society. But more importantly, there is no responsible explanation for the media continuing to parade this tragic example of a supposedly successful young man in front of our youth.

"GMA" interviewer Robin Roberts says Brown is welcome if he ever wants to return.

News reports also say the music industry people don't seem to think Brown's behavior will have any negative impact on his album sales.

Such great rewards for such bad behavior.

Increased sales and a standing invitation on a network show makes one kinda wonder how much of the trashing of the room, breaking out the window and ripping off the shirt is actually related to "letting off steam," as Brown later explained as the cause of it all.

Though he says he felt the interviewer was wrong to bring up his past troubles, Brown has now apologized and claims to be disappointed in his actions.

Think how many young people are marveling at this behavior that only a celebrity can pull off with no consequences.

Think how many young people already believe they can trash the classroom, curse out the teacher and keep on truckin'.

There are members of the youth brigade who have kicked their foot through the door at home and now they'll be quick to say at least there was no shattered glass in the yard or on the street outside from a window they broke.

There ought to be constant media coverage about the young person who studied hard and finally got an A grade on the history exam after a semester of C's and D's.

Surely there's some young person who, against the odds, has applied to a prestigious university and been accepted.

I met a young man last week whose parents were migrant farm workers. He had a college degree and was directing his life toward even higher educational goals.

How, with such humble beginnings, could he cast his aspirations among the stars? He said his father always told him he could accomplish something great.

This role model for our youth isn't undressing down to his tattooed chest promoting a music album on the backs of young people who are gullible enough to believe he, Chris Brown, can lead the way.

SOME KIDS GET BREAKS, OTHER KIDS GET BROKEN

2011-03-18 20:22:11

Los Angeles County Fifth District Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich keeps Brandi on her toes. What's a man of his importance got to do with some kid staying focused?

"Hmmm," Brandi mused thoughtfully as we exited the Kenneth Hahn Hall of Administration in downtown Los Angeles and headed for the parking lot.

She's usually quite the chatterbox as long as the iPod isn't in her ear, but following this meeting with "Uncle Mike," quiet prevailed.

When Brandi finally broke the silence, way after we were headed north on the Pasadena Freeway, she revealed the cause for the long and thoughtful interlude.

"I'm just really going to always do good. I have to do my best because everybody thinks I can - even Uncle Mike."

Then came the kicker: "Every time I sit at his long table and he talks to me about how I'm doing I think he cares because he could be doing something else."

Have you mentored a kid lately? It's surprising the kind of difference it makes when there's an adult - other than the regular family folk - who take an interest.

Brandi met the supervisor at the lighting of Christmas Tree Lane way back when she was in pre-school.

He picked her up, held on tight and they did the count together for several years. A busy man, he managed to attend her pre-school graduation and an art exhibit she had at the Flintridge Foundation.

And on a regular basis Brandi, the former foster kid who has now aged out of the system, meets with the supervisor in his conference room.

The 9-year-old we know took his scooter apart and couldn't figure how to put it back together. His uncle, real uncle, is an auto mechanic but said he didn't have time to help his nephew.

The kid wanted to hang out and watch this relative work on cars in his back yard but it was a no-go.

"Kids today," complained Uncle, "ain't `bout nothin', they just wanna hang around and get in the way asking dumb kinda stuff. Shouldna took that scooter apart, anyway. It ain't even that hard to put back together."

This was a harsh approach, seemed to me, but Uncle said I didn't know the whole story about his trouble-making nephew - just a no-good kid! Ouch! A 9-year-old is not a no-good kid. But if the rest of the family is anything like Uncle, they sure know how to create a no-gooder.

Some kids get the breaks, and other kids get broken.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We all need to make time to meet with a kid at our long conference table, backyard mechanic shop, kitchen stove or wherever we can share some care.

For many of Brandi's younger years she really thought the lights on Christmas Tree Lane, here in Altadena, were partially the results of her brilliance. For all of Brandi's older years and for years to come, she will know that somebody who didn't really have to cared about her progress in life.

Now, if there's a backyard mechanic anywhere out there reading this column, I know a 9-year-old boy who needs some fixing, as does his shiny silver scooter.

TEACHING KIDS MONEY MATTERS

2011-03-12 09:28:22

The kid saw the incident as someone stealing her tennis shoes that she left on top of the lockers. Her mother saw it quite another way. The young lady had to purchase replacement shoes for having, as her mom called it, lost the shoes.

Carelessness with one's possessions means that, in this family, the household budget isn't going to foot the bill for the kid not taking care of her belongings.

A harsh way to raise a kid or a practical avenue for developing responsibility, you may ask? Maybe it's one in the same thing because responsibility doesn't come easy and when it comes to helping our offspring get a handle on matters of money, harsh lessons become winners.

How much should a parent dole out for high grades on the school report card? Which chores around the house earn the biggest bucks?

Too many parents really believe they should pay their kids to do what is required of them. The good grade is the pay-off for doing good school work. The biggest chores around the house are done by parents, 24-7, in their quest to raise decent kids and their pay-off doesn't come in dinero but instead they will eventually see their offspring become responsible adults.

Maybe it's our American culture that dictates life being measured by the dollar and this being the tool, then we think the only way to appreciate our kids is to heap money on them which all too often we don't really have.

"Shopping? but she just went shopping last weekend and the weekend before that," exclaimed the aunt who was now caretaker of her teenage niece.

"But that's what she does every weekend," explained the daughter, but also cousin to the shopaholic who now lived with the family.

Daughter, thinking she had now entered into a new lifestyle, was ready for the mall excursion until the longtime family rule surfaced and the new household member heard: No shopping unless a budget was presented, approved and a need for the item was fully demonstrated.

Call it Operation Crazy Parents if you choose, but talking recently with Tim Mayworm, executive director of Journey House, a place where foster youth who are no longer in the system can get a handle on life, this crazy stuff would be a good thing to spread everywhere.

Mayworm described conversations with young people who didn't understand why they would need to return to work after receiving their paycheck and what was the purpose of not spending all of the money in one day.

Mayworm's charges have had absolutely no growing up life experiences when it comes to money and it is unforgivable the foster and kinship care system has allowed this to happen.

And kids in our society who have parents dumping money in their direction without attaching a responsibility component may be only a few steps ahead of our young adults the child welfare system has created.

The country's economic downturn, something too many parents are pretending doesn't exist, may eventually make paying for chores and getting good grades a budget cut whether the kids approve of it or not.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BLACK TIGER MOMS?

2011-02-25 22:23:48

Here's a thumbs-up for Amy Chua, still stirring up controversy with her book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," which lays out what too many are calling a mean-streak way of raising kids.

So count this as a last-minute contribution to Black History Month, which in a few days will fade into March, which celebrates Women's History. One of the many people who stop me in parking lots, supermarkets, the library or elsewhere to talk about my perspective on raising kids wanted to know why I hadn't devoted space in February, the month devoted to us.

What's the Tiger Mom's style of forcing children into excellence got to do with black history? The quest for excellence in raising our offspring isn't limited to a specific culture, but some minorities in America have been acutely aware of the consequences for anything less.

Apparently forgotten by many of today's foolish black parents is the rule we old-timers were raised on: If you're black, you've got to get up earlier, stay up later and do the job - whatever it is -a whole lot better.

We may not have been forced into ballet, violin or piano lessons, as Chua did with her daughters, but black children were continually drilled on the importance of respect, obedience and the reasoning of being seen and not heard. Education was to be the cornerstone of our progress.

It was not our parents' understanding that future generations would become the reason the prison system is our country's fastest-growing industry - and in economic hard times.

What ever happened to the harsh realities of life under our own black Tiger Moms? No whining. No excuses. No "teacher didn't like me so I have a bad grade." No sleepovers. No talking back. Like Chua's daughters, in later years, there was to be no TV, computer games or other distractions from schoolwork.

Our parents didn't necessarily think we would be the conductor of the symphony or the local pharmacist, veterinarian, pediatrician or dentist, but they drilled the importance of doing our best. Chua bypasses doing one's best and goes all out for excellence.

Mr. Moulton, our next-door neighbor in Los Angeles on West 36th Street, was a postal employee. Two doors down lived LaMar Hill, a student at USC whose parents owned the local mortuary. Across the street lived Juliet Ball, who had small roles in Hollywood movies. We lived around the corner from legendary tap dancer Bill "Bojangles" Robinson and we lived downstairs from Harvey Brooks who was a jazz pianist.

Our neighbors worked hard at whatever they did and they helped the children in the neighborhood get the message - hard work is what we were expected to do.

My black history shows me that something has drastically changed for the worse, and it isn't because of white folks, discrimination or racism.

We've lost our Tiger Moms to a society we've let convince us to obey our offspring, not set rules, spend more money buying Chinese hair than books for our kids and spend more time finding a new boyfriend than visiting the school. We've gone far beyond "no sleepovers" and changed the face of that activity to allowing the boyfriend or the girlfriend to come on over and sleep in our teenager's bed.

Black History Month? The true celebration is yet to come.

FINANCING HIGHER EDUCATION

2011-02-11 20:29:35

The Pasadena City College Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid will be holding what they call, "Financial Aid Saturday," today from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on the campus located at 1570 E. Colorado Blvd., in the L Building, Room 114.

Kim Miles, assistant dean of Financial Aid and Scholarships Services, says attendees will have access to financial aid staff who will assist them with applications and in obtaining information about financial aid programs at a variety of universities and colleges.

Is this the opportunity, as the saying goes, of a lifetime? Some would agree because they recognize their inability to know all of the negotiations that it takes to successfully make it through the college maze.

And there is no embarking on a higher educational pursuit without the money to pay for it.

The folks who know this without a doubt will show up at Room 114 long before the door actually opens. These are the folk, parents with their kids in tow, who haven't missed educational opportunities in the years prior to applying for college.

Then there's the "others." Probably the very people for which this event was planned because over the years, while they claim to seek higher learning, they never seem to follow the process for getting there.

Deadline for filing applications? Yo, what's up with that? Birth certificate. Last year's income tax return. Proof of residence. Transcripts. Oh, uh!

Last year, PCC distributed over $28 million in financial aid through work-study, grants, loans fee waivers and scholarships.

Today, the professionals will be there to answer questions about the Board of Governors fee waivers, enrolling at PCC, and inquiries about federal, state and local aid.

Parents and students shouldn't miss this opportunity to learn all about finances for higher learning whether through one-on-one questions or by attending a workshop.

Hey, why not try both of these approaches.

Oh, it's Saturday and Jerome, the son, likes to sleep late and, geez, Dad's been working all week so they won't be taking in this financial aid session ...

But then there's that family, Mom, Dad and the two high school kids who are first in line at Room 114, seem to never sleep late or miss any educational opportunities.

Later in life, some years down the academic road, families like Jerome's will call the Mom, Dad and the used-to-be high school students really, really lucky because they've achieved so much.

Achievement isn't luck; it's a lot of hard work and a whole lot of getting up early even if it's on a Saturday morning.

Kim Miles and her staff are looking for you. And the event will continue until 1 p.m. today, even if you don't arrive bright and early at Room 114.

Kim Miles and her staff are looking for me and my kid who is in her second year at the college. Will we be lined up in front of Room 114? Uh, my student said, "Me and my friend have our own plans for hanging out this Saturday."

Some kids just don't get it. But should their parents let them get away with being stupid?

AN UNFIT PARENT?

2011-02-04 20:53:44

There's no arguing against the statement that some kids are strong-willed. I stand up for parents recognizing and supporting individuality.

But hold on a minute, as a parent we've got to know when and how to support these personality traits.

When a 13-month-old baby, and that's what they are at that age, wants to run the show it's entirely too early in the game to turn the reins over to the kid and follow along with what he or she has in mind.

However, Shannon Johnson, 34, of Fort Lupton, Colo., the mother who is charged with child abuse resulting in death for leaving her year-old in the bathtub - who drowned - while she was in the living room busy on her laptop computer logged onto Facebook, claims the boy was very independent and wanted to be alone.

Most of the little ones are barely talking at this age, so how exactly did Johnson's kid become the great communicator? How did he actually let her know this desire to be in the tub alone and then seeing to it that she obeys?

Johnson says she'd catered to her child's desire in the past - this wasn't the first of him being left alone in the bath water. She also told the arresting officers that she knew what it was like to be told no and she didn't want her baby to be told no.

We all know what it's like to be shut down on some plan that we may have concocted. And most certainly our childhood helped to prepare us for the zillions of times we've been told no during our journey as an adult.

Some, most I suspect, would call Johnson an unfit parent but it seems at the age of 34, to make the kinds of decisions reported in this tragic case of child abuse, Johnson is actually an unfit person.

She isn't just off the mark for believing and supporting what she saw as independence in a 13-month-old baby, she's equally as off the mark for sharing this viewpoint with the arresting officers.

This woman saw nothing wrong with being on her laptop computer in her living room while her baby drowned in the bathroom or she wouldn't have shared this scenario with authorities.

Explain, please, what is an independent 13-month-old up to these days? Ah, maybe ordering what's for breakfast? Possibly he's determining what outfit to wear for the upcoming toddler-neighbor's birthday party.

At best, Mr. Independent could have determined what toy to get out of the toy box and how much of the milk in his cup he wanted to drink.

Shannon Johnson isn't alone with this nonsense of believing the little ones know what's best for them. She's not alone in misunderstanding the role of a parent. At the mall, the grocery store and just about every place the public gathers, we see parents obeying their very young children.

Unfortunately, Johnson's ability to grasp the concepts we used to call "mother wit" just aren't there. And her inability to reason and make sound decisions as we are expected to do as adults, isn't there, either.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

LIFE IN THE 'HOOD

2011-01-29 01:14:20

"They didn't do a very good job when they put in a fence for me, but the guys need the work. I wouldn't think of complaining because when I look at it, I'm a whole lot better off than before they came," said one of the locals I spoke with who wasn't really satisfied with the work provided by the Alta Pasa Community Improvement Center.

Susie Nemer, deputy for Los Angeles County Supervisor Michael Antonovich, Fifth District, seemed surprised when I asked who provided oversight for the agency and handled complaints.

She said the center doesn't get many of those and added that most of the work they do is standard and routine - like providing handicap ramps.

"Oh, please tell me you didn't really give a complaint to the supervisor's office!" another resident dissatisfied with the fix-it program exclaimed after she'd told me why "our" people know better than to speak out.

"There's payback," she said, and wanted to know where I grew up since I didn't understand the workings of the `hood.

"Retaliation ain't no joke," was the way someone else phrased it and wanted to know exactly what fool would bite the hand that fed them.

I talked to lots of folks who'd been serviced by Director Ron Matthew's Alta Pasa agency who behave in a manner I suspect he's become accustomed to.

But when my kid wants to know how come people can break down our back gate, come on the property and stomp down shrubs we've grown for long before her lifetime, hack off the tree that shielded our home from miscreants hanging out in the alley behind us, what's a parent supposed to say?

In the past, I guess I've been guilty of taking the route others in the `hood have taken. I even provided a glowing five-star evaluation of the agency's work that later crumbled just about a week after the ink dried on my signature.

Yes, I let the supervisor's office know that the program that Los Angeles County funds sent workers onto my property without a walk-through with me, without my signature for the work we had talked about being done. The most horrifying part is it all happened without me being home.

"You don't have the power," said another `hood dweller.

Generation after generation, we pass onto our children the image of being powerless, of wrongdoing being just the way things are. We don't call a spade a spade because they are usually people of color that we are outing." They are so-called friends who we'll see in church next Sunday or in the supermarket on Monday.

It's apparently OK to whisper back and forth, though. It's OK to exchange horror stories on the grapevine. But it's not OK when you live in my community to speak up for what's right and to speak against what's wrong if it pertains to a person of color.

How did the drug dealers and the gang bangers take over the `hood? Way back when, didn't anyone see something going wrong?

My kid's not out in her back yard anymore because we live on an alley and are, now, the only house on the block without privacy. Should I support her being conditioned to believe this is just how things are?

Or shouldn't this agency be made to measure up and provide the kind of respect, excellence, professionalism and service it undoubtedly convinced its funding agency it was capable of delivering".

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WINNING FRIENDS?

2011-01-22 13:59:57

Dale Carnegie and his influential best-selling masterpiece, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was often quoted back in the days when I grew up.

Norman Vincent Peale was another notable author whose viewpoints, "The Power of Positive Thinking," got bantered around by the elders in my family.

But my way of seeing life, for many in my family was, and still is, a source of confusion.

Carnegie, my parents always reminded me when I was as a teenager, stressed the value of no criticism, condemnation or complaints.

Fine and dandy for getting along with friends, but what, I wanted to know, was how this philosophy worked in regard to the girls vice principal sending our school's Girls League vice president to the conference in Palm Springs instead of me, the president?

My mother always explained things in a kind and very gentle way, but all too often in cases like this, her message was simple: The problem was with me.

There was something in my growing years about smiling. Smiles will win every time, mom lectured, and in the case of the Palm Springs conference, Mom harped on the sweet, accommodating smile and pleasant personality of Rachel Duran, the officer under me in the Girls League.

I didn't smile then and I don't smile that much now. Yes, back then, like now, I have complaints, condemnation and criticism.

My family members said I was sullen, questioning and entirely too direct. They tried with a variety of discreet social-interaction techniques to help me through my troublesome way of life - but without much success.

When readers send an e-mail chewing me out for a position I've taken, it's like my response when my mom explained to me the valid reasons the girls VP had for selecting Rachel instead of me.

I did and I do stand by my positions.

But like the great philosophers, Carnegie and Peale, who had so much influence in the lives of my elders, I'm a strong supporter in the belief in listening to the other person's point of view - I respect that.

For all of the readers, and there were plenty, who wrote last week saying I should not have taken the Tucson shooter Jared Loughner's parents to task for his actions, I certainly agree that as parents we are not responsible for the actions of our adult children.

However, as parents, we should - that doesn't mean that we do - have the ability to observe our child's behavior and in some way spot characteristics that just don't fit the scale of normalcy. And that's what I said.

One e-mail suggested kids have a way of hiding who they actually are. Really? In the case of the shooter, for 22 years?

"Don't be so quick to judge," another writer said and went on to discuss the difficulties of detecting a child's mental health symptoms.

I neglected to smile on this one, but I did understand his point of view - he didn't know who he was writing to. As a mother of a child who went through a mental health crisis as a teenager and the mother of a foster child who carries a stiff diagnosis, when I write about responsibility of observing and knowing our children, I don't write to win friends - maybe I'll influence a few people - maybe.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WHY TUCSON?

2011-01-14 23:59:12

The shooting death of Christina Green, the 9-year-old and youngest victim of the Tucson carnage one week ago, raises the question that we always hear when children are, what we call, cut short of the meaningful life they were meant to live.

Why Christina, we ask, who is reported to have been the kind of young lady every parent would be proud of?

Her parents, John and Roxanna, seem by news reports to be the kind of parents all kids would do well for themselves, if they were fortunate enough to have such guidance.

But too often our masterpiece creations, that as parents we dedicate so much time loving, molding and coaching, are cut short by a force lacking all that we believe in.

Jared Loughner, 22, the suspect who allegedly opened fire at the political gathering of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords that Christina was attending, was that force.

Friends and classmates paint a troubled portrait of him that provided very clear signals that all was not well with his soul. But who was listening, seeing or guiding?

Nothing, thus far, has surfaced showing professional mental health intervention.

While I don't blame Loughner's parents for their son's alleged murderous rampage, and while I believe their statement expressing sorrow for the victims is sincere, I can't help but question their inability to see him as an unstable person that needed help.

While Christina's parents exposed her to opportunities that helped to establish her self-confidence and direction in life, in part, because they knew their child - no such practices, it seems, occurred in the Loughner household.

And how do I know this? I'm looking at the end result!

There were warning signs in this young man's life throughout the years and not just the ones reported by his classmates. At home, shouldn't his parents have recognized behavior, personality traits, and ability to cope and shouldn't they have known, in some way, how their kid viewed the world around him?

Political pundits on the left have seized on the Tucson shooting as an opportunity to discredit Sarah Palin and others on the right for their so-called inflammatory rhetoric, claiming it was the impetus for the massacre.

These folk need to spend some real effort learning more about the circumstances of the suspect's life and upbringing - that's the conversation that might lend some clarity and help heal our collective wounds.

Maybe Palin's mouth did have some influence. However, there are millions who've heard her and have heard others with caustic political rants. Since the rest of us neglected to buy a firearm, load it, take along extra ammunition and kill and injure people, there was something other than Palin moving the suspect down this dark path of destruction.

Like most people, and especially parents, I'm sure that Palin grieves for the loss of life and for those injured. I can't help but believe she knows, as I do, that but for the grace of God it could have been her child, mine or yours who was gunned down.

I heard Christina's parents say, in an interview, money sent to them would be donated to less fortunate children who lived on the other side of their city. What a noble commitment in their time of pain to remember those who have less.

Maybe on this weekend of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday all of us might recognize the need to reach out, in some way, to the many troubled kids that nobody, including their parents, seem to know.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WHERE'S THE CARE IN FOSTER CARE?

2011-01-08 17:32:15

OVER the years, this space has frequently been devoted to the ups and downs of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services, the infamous agency that oversees foster children - our children in out-of-home placement.

Perhaps more space could have been devoted to the agencies in Dearborn, Mich. or Chicago that perform the same kind of service.

No real reason to have never mentioned the Iowa department, with its high number of Native American families who have lost their parental rights. It just kept being the same kind of story everywhere.

It doesn't matter what state we're talking about or what year we're reading about. Children in out-of-home placement just don't get taken care of.

Whether it is 1989, when I first discovered the system by way of becoming a foster parent myself, or it is 2010, and the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors once again removed the head of DCFS - the system is broken.

Trish Ploehm, who just lost her highly compensated position as our local director, is the fifth one to get the ax during the years I've had the opportunity to witness the agency mismanage the lives of families that are most often at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder.

Having been appointed to serve on the County Commission for Children and Families and having chaired the County's Adoption Commission, I grabbed a good peek at our local nightmare.

Here in Los Angeles County, I'm sure there are some officials who will say things have changed for the better over the years. But they're saying the same thing in Dearborn, Chicago and Sioux City.

Don't believe them.

I always thought a particular foster home I was acquainted with was a good place, even when I was told one of the kids ran away because he didn't like the rules. He had just turned 18 years old.

A few years later when another kid said, "I've had enough of your running my life," and hadn't been seen since he stormed off from the Arco station leaving the gas hose still pumping into the foster mom's car tank, I started to wonder. He too had just turned 18.

Does this story have anything to do with why Ploehm got sacked?

While she made a lot of money - $275,000 a year - it seems she didn't really earn it. She just wasn't doing her job. According to a recent report, an in-depth look at what was or wasn't going on that the Board of Supervisors relied upon, her agency was found to be in crisis. Topping the list of problems was the backlog of child-abuse investigations and management defiencies.

So my story about the kids who turned 18 and became emancipated from foster care, which translates to mean mom wouldn't be getting a check anymore, doesn't really fit in here.

Ploehm's departure, like the many directors before her, was based more on the simple ineptness they exhibited in their position than on failure to care for the children.

According to Youth Development Services in Sacramento, half of the emancipated youth in Los Angeles will be homeless within six months. Of the 4,255 youth emancipated every year in California, 1,400 are from Los Angeles County.

Who is taking care of our children?

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

LOOKING BACK

2011-01-01 23:25:02

RINGING in the new year with resolutions, promises and an eye to the future seems the way to go, according to how this day has been organized in the past.

"Don't look back," a New Year's Eve party reveler once told me back during my teenage years.

Why not, when both the best and worst of 2010 have a lot of influence on 2011? Without taking stock of what Father Time brought about, how's a future plan supposed to get developed?

The best of 2010? School districts began removing soda machines from school campuses. I remember the day when I first spotted the monster machine on the Pasadena High School campus and later asked my daughter what all it housed.

"Oh, no," she responded with a voice filled with annoyance and then went on to exclaim "You're not going to complain about that are you?" Anyway, hooray for whomever got that movement going.

The best of 2010? Dr. Hugh Chee, a fabulous children's dentist, who recently filled two cavities for my daughter, Brandi, while explaining the entire process as he worked.

While we've heard an apple a day is said to keep the doctor away, Brandi's adding to that by finding that drinking sodas every day sends your teeth to the dentist, where you're gonna have to pay.

A movie theater with reclining chairs, blankets, pillows and food service? That is a bit on the upscale side for my usual way of movie watching at the two-buck Academy Theater on Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena. Well, that's the matinee price; please add another buck for showtime after 6 p.m.

So for the best of 2010, the Academy is there for providing movies everyone can afford and free parking to boot. But I must say that also on the best list is the Gold Class Cinema in Old Pasadena - expensive, yes, but worth every dollar spent. A real treat, with comfort, excellent service and great food.

Looking back, my 2010 was filled with lessons learned. And I might as well let it be known that the party reveler who suggested I never do this was an ex-boyfriend who had dumped me for the cutie he was spending that New Year's Eve with.

"Consider the source," Mrs. Wilson, my mother's good friend, always warned. While the strategy behind "never look back" was, I believe, really meant for the young man's safety while at a party in the unexpected company of a dumped, angry and hostile black girl, his words have stuck with me through time.

It was good enough that the young man had a bad time constantly looking over his shoulder - looking back - making sure Ms. Hostile was going about her business.

Maybe everyone looks back.

My best of 2010 has a lot to do with my 2011: No soda machines on school campuses; Dr. Chee continuing to provide patients with the good service kids need from their dentist; Brandi remembering a soda a day can create cavities; the Academy keeping its commitment to provide movies at a low price and the Gold Class being there when it's time, and my budget allows, for a special treat.

No worst of 2010 to be mentioned here, even though great lessons were learned from them, too.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

HOME ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS

2010-12-25 02:22:49

MY father was a waiter and for many years served patrons at a very upscale, elite Beverly Hills restaurant.

We didn't get to see much of him on Christmas Day because he spent most of the morning sleeping due to coming home late after the Christmas Eve night shift.

When he did awaken, he showered, shaved, slicked down his kinky hair, put on his fancy black pants with the satin stripe down the sides, his pleated-down-the-front white shirt and then his satin cummerbund with the small horizontal folds in it. Of course he also put on his highly polished black shoes.

He was ready for his gig and didn't have much time to check out the presents his kids had opened.

Christmas at our house was a high-priority work day due, in part, to the extra pay being offered to those in the servant class who were willing to give up their own holiday in order to make it better for people who had the money to pay for service.

My mother was a domestic and worked for the Whitneys, a wealthy family who lived in the San Fernando Valley. She, with my grandmother, was expected to cook the Christmas feast, serve the family and then clean up. Year after year, they followed this routine, which included packing up the leftovers from the dinner and bringing them back home to our side of the tracks.

Back in those days, the restaurants allowed workers to take the leftover food, so Dad brought home some high-quality dinner as well.

Most of my younger years, my older sister and I spent Christmas alone waiting for our parents to return.

Sometime we were at the Whitney house, holed up in the maid's room after collecting a wagon-load of too many presents they had for us from under their giant tree. We would have preferred our small house, small tree and our parents there rather than somewhere working.

Ungrateful? Maybe. But the Whitneys proved to be just as ungrateful for the years we gave them our mother. Because once my sister and I became older and bold enough to let my mother know how much we'd appreciate having her home for Christmas, they were indignant when she gave up the pay to stay home with her children.

Of course Mom said she thought, like so many parents do, that the extra money earned on these Christmas forays would be more important, based on the reasoning of what she could buy us.

Now, Dad's check and his tips were another story; the rent had to be paid and he was the main breadwinner.

There are probably some current-day youngsters whose parents aren't with them on this holiday because of an opportunity to earn money for rent, food and maybe some presents at the after-Christmas sales.

Times are tough and tough decisions have to be made. Parents, please remember to help your children understand that the time will come when you'll be there with them, but for now life isn't exactly what the storybooks say.

But if you're gathering the extra pay just to buy them the latest electronic gadget or a pair of fancy fashion boots, from my perspective, I say your kids would rather have you than what that money can buy.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

MASON HOLLAND ISN'T ALONE IN SLAMS TO THE MAT

2010-12-18 07:31:25

I'M told just about everybody's been reading the story and watching the video of Mason Holland, the basketball player at DeSoto County High in Arcadia, Fla., who was called for a technical after pushing an opposing player as they ran up the floor and then confronts the referee as well, pushing him and tossing him to the floor.

Holland got suspended from his team and from school. But I suspect this isn't his first display of a need for anger-management therapy.

Well, here's another hard to believe story that's not on YouTube or making headlines anywhere.

While this one isn't about anger management it is human frailties that should be addressed, in part, because we rely on school officials to do the right thing.

This story is started with a report of sexting and seems to have ended without a resolution for the rumors spread. It's a long and detailed set of circumstance, however, it's my job to make it short by leaving out the juicy details.

It all began with a telephone call to Ms. Mom from by the principal of the high school her daughter attends. Mom was told that the secretary from a local elementary school had called this principal saying mom's daughter was sending nude pictures to boys. The principal asked, after Mom said she didn't believe this had happened, to go through the daughter's phone to view the evidence.

So the principal had never seen the pictures and was only relying on what she'd been told.

Where I come from we call this several things. The printable one is "He said, she said, you did!" School officials should not be caught up in this kind of stuff with a principal of a high school relying solely on the word of someone's unverified report and then alarming a parent.

Unlike the spontaneous suspension of Holland from his team and his school, no action was taken on this gossip stuff, which happened in October and was reported to Pasadena schools administrators.

While the gossip surrounding the girl, the boy, the texting, the secretary who started the nonsense, the principal who might have investigated the story before she called Mom, and the more intriguing characters who emerged as integral links to the episode, may not seem the equivalent of a body slam, Mom thinks differently.

While conducting her own investigation into these unsavory and unproven allegations against her daughter, Mom says she was told her actions were harassment - a body slam, indeed.

While the man at school district headquarters who is in charge of this kind of stuff has allegedly been doing an investigation, Mom hasn't heard a peep from him.

Mason Holland got what he deserved for his actions on the basketball court. But he should have been receiving help for his mental disability along with the basketball coaching he was getting for his physical abilities.

Neither Mom nor her daughter have gotten from our school district what they deserve, which is that respect parents ought to have when they expect to have official intervention with matters involving their children.

Principals and secretaries can, of course, be guilty of behaving in an unprofessional manner - should their behavior be ignored? Parents can go overboard when their child has been wrongly accused, but shouldn't school officials do the investigating, get the straight story and report that to the parent?

Names have been withheld, as this story isn't about the individuals. Instead it is about the way a school district allows such stuff to happen without addressing the problem.

Yeah, I think Mom got body-slammed, but the story isn't new - it's just one more parent on the mat.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON

2010-12-10 22:33:01

I got called the Grinch because of questioning the good of dreaming of a white Christmas and for suggesting Rudolph's sleigh mates were bullies.

I also was on record stating my annoyance with the parent of the kid who after opening all of his presents went to bed crying because the gadget he'd requested wasn't under the tree.

I'm as much a supporter of the season as anyone else. Well, maybe I should say that with some amount of moderation. At my age, I ought to be allowed a decent amount of withdrawal since I no longer have young children to provide for.

Didn't I hear somewhere, over the years, that Christmas is really for the kids? I followed that line and decked our halls with boughs of holly, strung lights on the tree and snuck wrapped presents from their hiding place late on Christmas Eve for what seems like a hundred years.

Presents for the kids consisted of clothes I made for the Barbie dolls. A Mary Poppins doll made from a McCall pattern. A felt cowboy hat and a vest with too much fringe is another fond memory of Christmas past.

Baking even happened in my now unused kitchen. Remember the old term from scratch? Yup, made cookies from scratch; flour, baking powder, sugar, eggs, butter and probably some other ingredients that haven't found a place in my cupboard since the Pillsbury Dough Boy took over.

One of the comments I received, which carried with it a distinct air of annoyance, suggested leave the kids alone and allow them to enjoy the spirit of the times.

One cannot be an opinion writer and take offense at how readers interpret the printed word, and so my reply was polite, to the point and firm: "Sir, you are so correct, but nowadays are we sure kids have the slightest clue about the spirit?"

It is "give me, give me" all year long. It is "I want this and I want that," all year long. And somewhere in the 12 months preceding the big day that's supposed to be all about the spirit, our over-indulged offspring have collected more than the law should allow.

The economy is wreaking havoc on lives. Jobs have been lost. Unemployment checks aren't measuring up to the amount of the job pay. Homes have been foreclosed upon and living with relatives or friends is hard for all involved.

But still I hear parents worry about what to give the kids. I hear them talk about Christmas past and how their tree was loaded with just about every kiddie trinket one could imagine - not to mention the stylish clothes for the teenagers wrapped up in boxes from high-end retail stores.

The Grinch? Maybe just a woman with a very different lifestyle. For years, I lived on a welfare budget and our Christmas reflected the monthly income. I had no trouble sharing with my children the limits of our monetary existence and they are no worse off because of this.

At my home, sometime there are presents and sometime we get along just fine enjoying the spirit of being together.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SINGING ABOUT

2010-12-04 00:42:59

THE sounds of KOST, the self-proclaimed official holiday radio station, which seems to be playing every Christmas song ever recorded, has the music of the holidays flooding every room in our home.

While it's nice to have holiday surround-sound, the constant hearing of the same old tunes has put me to thinking about what I've been humming all these years in a mood of total acceptance, as if it were a good thing.

I'm thinking now that Bing Crosby's crooning of "White Christmas" actually imposed the wrong tone for those of us who grew up in sun-filled Southern California.

Los Angeles had no snowfall for holiday winter sleigh rides. As kids, we didn't really know what snow was until many of our parents herded us onto buses run by a company called Asbury Rapid Transit to take us to see and experience the white stuff.

Back then, I really wanted to dream along with Bing about Christmas being white. It wasn't until last week, when Brandi and I were sitting around the living room heater in socks, slippers, longjohns, robe, fur hats and tight-fitting warm gloves, trying hard to make each other understand the meaning of 37 degrees, that I realized Christmas being white was nothing to sing about.

Brandi has a beautiful voice. I hum because, well, I just hum. She was singling along with Bing until I interrupted at the point of "and children listen."

Forget the cold of a white Christmas vs. our warmer holiday - as an old lady, the song now had a more meaningful message.

If a cold white Christmas had children "listening" when I know they never do, then that kind of winter temp was definitely well worth its low degrees.

"Where the treetops glisten, and children listen, to hear sleigh bells in the snow ..."

Brandi repeated and completed the phrase. It seldom pays to cut people off mid-sentence, or, in this case, prior to the completion of the lyrics.

A very wrong understanding on my part!

I still had Rudolph to dissect. While he with his red nose was not around when I grew up, in later years, his antics were a big hit for my kids.

But now with the current focus on bullying, these lyrics are a ripe example of what we're supposed to be teaching our kids to rise above.

This thing about the other reindeer laughing and calling him names until Santa needed him, after which the other unkind reindeer just loved him, puts a kink in our lecture against bullying. In this tune, we joyously laud four-legged creatures exhibiting the behavior we're working to correct.

"Think about this example we're presenting to our children," I said to another daughter, Phoenix.

But she, like Brandi, didn't agree with my point. Phoenix reminded me that the animals had nothing to do with how they were portrayed. Then with a laugh she questioned my ability to separate fact from fiction.

Maybe it's time to either turn off the Christmas tune station or simply listen, hum along and stop seeing an underlying issue in every song.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

CASH: NO CHANCE TO SHOP BEYOND OUR MEANS

2010-11-26 20:09:45

Now that Black Friday has officially kicked off Christmas shopping, maybe as parents it's time to not just examine our budgets when it comes to spending, but to also make a careful examination of our relationship to this practice of giving gifts and what gifts we ought to bestow upon our offspring.

My friend from Terry, Miss. remembered getting a fresh red apple as her one and only gift one year when finances weren't going well for her family.

That story happened back in 1940 when our parents weren't ashamed of what it was they had to offer children.

You get what you get, seemed pretty much the philosophy of growing up back then, and tagged on to that way of thinking was an unmentioned truth - and you best be grateful for whatever.

One recent Christmas morning, a friend called for some quick advice regarding a troublesome situation that was unfolding.

Her son had unwrapped his many presents from under the tree but put each one aside as he dug for the next. Having opened them all, not finding the electronic gadget he had announced to everyone that he wanted, he stormed to his bedroom in tears.

"What's a mom to do?" she pondered and then, foolishly, decided I would have the magic answer as to where she could dash out and find what store wasn't sold out so she could go buy it before he emerged from his bedroom.

Did she realize just whom she was calling? I think in her desperation she simply was calling anyone who might know where the elusive treasure might be hiding.

A puzzled sounding "Oh," emitted from her end of the phone when I exclaimed perhaps the ungrateful kid's unwanted gifts should be re-wrapped and taken to a homeless shelter for families.

What to buy the children for Christmas? There's no one philosophy that fits all unless, perhaps, it's that practical bit of wisdom that gets thrown about: "To thine own self be true."

However, the trouble with this is we've lost sight of self. When it comes to gifts for the kids, it's pretty much about what they're demanding.

My friend's parents down in Mississippi may well have been the last of the Mohicans being true to their circumstances.

For a lot of families, life, nowadays, is a jolt back to the past of shopping with cash - and there isn't much of that. Credit cards have been maxed out or cancelled so there's no chance, as I hear from parents, of actually shopping beyond one's means.

This economic downturn just might be the chance for parents to level with the kids by teaching them some important truths about money, credit, gifts, advertisers and keeping up with Roberto, Jamal and John.

While an apple probably didn't give my friend Christmas gift bragging rights, it seemingly gave her, as I listened, an ability to understand love and caring isn't measured by bows, wrappings or what's in the package.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. Charter Arroyo Channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

STUDENTS WHO CAN'T READ, KIDS WHO DIE

2010-11-19 20:17:01

Why, many local folks ask, haven't I addressed the issue of school closures in the Pasadena Unified School District? This is pretty much the same kind of inquiry that comes my way about the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services.

"You can get a clear picture and scope of the budget problem if you make an appointment and talk with Superintendent Diaz," a local inquirer suggested when I tried diplomacy in getting out of his attempted conversation about school closures.

Why do I compare Pasadena schools to Children and Family Services? To put it simply, I see them both as questionable institutions run by people who collect paychecks but who don't seem to understand their mission and responsibility to the children in their charge.

Some time ago I called into a local television show on which Superintendent Edwin Diaz and Tom Selinske, the board president at the time, were guests. I called them crooks and was, of course, disconnected.

I would relish the opportunity to give my opinion on school closures, rising test scores, newly initiated immersion programs, budget issues, teacher evaluations and whatever else the district throws at the public to help justify the issuance of their salaries - but why bother?

Like tackling the problems surrounding children in out-of-home placement who are managed by a cadre of social and mental-health workers and who are being raised by non-caring, incompetent relatives or foster parents, there is no collection of thoughts or words to address this problem, either.

I have spent close to 40 years writing about children not being educated. I have spent that same amount of time writing about children dying while under the supervision of Los Angeles County's so-called protective services.

But the public isn't anymore ready to call the leaders of our school district the crooks that they are, any more than the host of that television show was ready to delve into the accusation. And the same can be said about foster care.

I haven't the power to bring the crooks to justice and the truth of the matter produces the fact that the power in my pen doesn't do much to convince readers that we have children - victims who need justice - so there's no real reason to keep writing the same thing for 40 years.

It's been suggested that I have turned a deaf ear because my latest kid is no longer a PUSD student and she has become of age to be emancipated from the foster-care system.

What's a writer to do? Since I write because I have something to say I can't do that when I'm at a loss for words.

Students who can't read, no matter what spin the school district tries to sell the public on, and children who die while under the protection of Los Angeles County, no matter the follow-up investigation, suffer at the hands of those in charge.

WACKY OR WISE? YOU TELL ME

2010-11-13 01:16:42

WHILE some readers may think I'm pretty wacky, I suspect there's many who support my get-tough parenting philosophy who may not be willing to nod in agreement and most certainly aren't willing to lose their home-grown popularity by initiating any of my standards.

On "The Mother Love Show," coming up next Tuesday, Nov. 16 from 2-3 p.m. at www.latalkradio.com, I'll be talking tough and saying that parents are the problem, not the kids. I'm inviting all of you to call in to 323-203-0815 and put me in my place.

My fifth-grade teacher thought I should see my place as behaving like my congenial, likeable and effervescent older sister Beverly Pickett.

Beverly smiled. I growled. My older sister always seemed to say what people were happy to hear. If you're a reader of this column, you know that I've not been blessed with that ability.

Until her dying day, just over a year ago, Beverly was trying to help me overcome my affliction of telling it like I see it.

My malady has been with me since childhood. And way back since Mrs. Warren, my 5th-grade teacher at 37th Street elementary school in Los Angeles, told me I was going to have a hard way in life, it seems I've been desperately trying to fulfill her prophecy.

Mrs. Warren did offer me a way out. She said life would get better as I grew older and changed.

I may have changed, but just a little bit, and only for a little while until I got married and then had six children and then became a single parent.

Talking tough and being tough came with the territory - it was them or me. When one of mine pronounced I wasn't being fair, I could only answer back by saying, "Life's not fair and growing up is supposed to prepare you for being a grown-up."

When they wanted to challenge my authority, and of course they always did, I simply asked how old they were and then asked them to tell me how old I was. In my house, age trumps.

A time-out? What a treat that would have been. Instead of a time-out there was always a job needing to be done. Maybe it was a floor to be mopped or the yard to be raked. In my house, it was called time in the trenches.

Are parents ready for what I have to say? Yes and no. I've learned from listening to parents in my workshops over the last 16 years that the adults pretty much enjoy telling their disaster stories that need fixing, but don't really want to spend the fix-it energy.

I've launched a public crusade to be everywhere I can, seeing how close I can come to making my fifth-grade teacher's prediction become a fact by continually putting parents on notice that they ought to be in jail and not their malfunctioning offspring. I suspect life is going to get as hard for me as Mrs. Warren said it would when callers start putting me in my place on the Mother Love broadcast.

COOKING UP BALLOT SOUP AT THE PLANTATION

2010-11-05 19:46:59

FROM news reports, it seems that the youth didn't take Tuesday's election too seriously. If they had, the pundits have joked, the marijuana initiative (Prop. 19) would have passed with an overwhelming majority.

Not so fast Mr. and Mrs. Talking Heads. The member of the youth brigade who lives in my household took her civic responsibility quite seriously. She voted on the ballot measures and she voted "no" on legalizing pot.

Now, Brandi didn't just vote against it because she doesn't engage in the activity. She says she listened to Robbie Davis, member of the League of Women Voters, who appeared on my parenting show to discuss the pros and cons of the measure.

Brandi says she also listened to what Dr. Ho, a mental health specialist, had to say when he called into the program.

We look at our kids sometime and wonder to ourselves, "Geez, what have I got here?" Then, an election rolls around and I discover, like taking a bite out of the just baked cake, that the ingredients stirred into the cake really did produce something wonderful.

Along with having marked her sample ballot and being able to know something about those confusing measures, Brandi had a bit of advice for me.

Having missed the deadline to mail in our ballots, we sat down for lunch at Souplantation to talk about which of us knew what.

"Ah, I'm voting for my favorite, Portantino," she said with gusto and then asked me about her other favored local politician, Adam Schiff.

"Nope," I announced with the same amount of gusto she had for Portantino.

"What!" she exclaimed and went on to remind me that because of Schiff I received the Congressional Angel In Adoption Award.

"No matter," and I went on to remind her how I had thought Schiff was providing us tickets to the Obama Inauguration but upon arriving in D.C. and picking up the tickets discovering they were only for an area to stand and see the whole thing on a huge monitor.

And the next piece of our conversation is what brought me to the analogy of the ingredients we stir into oven delicacies.

With that typical eye roll teenagers have perfected and followed by a long sigh, Brandi politely asked was marking my ballot about small personal matters or about the bigger picture. She didn't actually use the bigger picture phrase - I think she asked something about the congressman's record.

There was no discussion between us when it came to California's new governor. Most certainly not the lady who for years didn't think she ought to vote.

We marked our ballots, stuck each in the little gray sleeve, put each in the pink envelope and sealed it up. We headed for the Senior Center to drop them off because you can drop your mail-in ballot at any polling place.

Before we could get out of the place, who should be coming in?

"Oh my God and she's not on TV," I shrieked and turned to Brandi saying, "And who is this?"

"Duh" was the message on my kid's puzzled face. After asking the second time, I realized something. I changed tactics and simply said, "Hey it's Meg Whitman. Get out your cell phone and snap a picture." Brandi later said she never watched the dumb TV ads and only heard them - she hadn't known who Meg Whitman was.

We got the picture; too bad we didn't have audio to record Meg claiming Souplantation was her favorite restaurant.

VOTING IS A FAMILY AFFAIR

2010-10-30 10:45:54

AT my 19-year-old daughter's suggestion, we each tore off the back page, the request for vote by mail, from our Official Sample Ballot booklets and mailed them in to the Los Angeles County Registrar-Recorder/County Clerk in Norwalk prior to the cut-off date of Oct. 26.

Why bother to write about this? Well, simply put, I think it's important to involve our kids, from the time they can blink an eye, in the voter process and we've been hauling Brandi to the polling place since she was a babe in arms.

That's not to say this early exposure made her determine it was time to spend 80 cents - 40 for the stamp on the request and another 40 cents for sending her choices in to be counted. But I do think her on-going involvement helped in knowing she'd have to follow instructions and make all designated deadlines.

She was eager. My kid, like so many other people, is simply weary of being saturated with Meg Whitman's promise to bring jobs back to California, Jerry Brown's alleged commitment to improve education, Carly vs. Barbara, Kamala Harris with too much baggage and, well you know the story because it plays continuously.

Now, will this voting early, now that our ballots have arrived, end the expensive and constant television overload? Absolutely not, but I'm not so sure Brandi realized this mail-in opportunity wasn't a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card that would spare her xyz more days of saturation agony.

Oh, she's reading over my shoulder and says she knows the ads will keep on running but she won't have to keep watching the measures or the candidates to figure out how to vote because she's made her decisions.

I'd like to believe there is not one sane soul out there in voter land who relies on the uninformative propaganda that is on the boob tube in order to determine where to mark the ballot.

But then, this TV strategy must be beneficial or the politicians and backers of those nine propositions wouldn't be sinking bundles of dollars into this plan.

If the TV ads are influencing the electorate, shame on my household for missing the beat of the general public by relying on the League of Women Voters studying and presenting the propositions and by watching KCET's Southern California Connected in-depth review of the propositions.

Back to Brandi. She's wonderful to watch. She complained to me about the mailman because he hadn't taken her request for the mail-in ballot off of our mailbox for three days. Well, she didn't have a stamp on it.

But her best line in this do-it-at-home choice of hers was: "Do we have to go in separate rooms and are we not allowed to talk to each other when we do it?"

This isn't Brandi's first time putting her mark on the ballot and she's had years at the polling place practicing on the demo machine that's available.

For women and for African Americans, it is absolutely unacceptable not to vote understanding both groups fought for your right to do so.

If you're black and female you have no excuse! If you're female of any race, you owe it to the suffragettes as well as to yourself.

Black men - again, no excuse. Ah, white men? Yes, you too. And all of you should consider taking your children to the polls with you.

HEY MAMA, TRY SHOOTING FROM THE HIP

2010-10-22 20:00:06

LAST week I received a group e-mail with a subject line heralding "need advice from family elders." Being the eldest of the family elders, I sprang to attention, ready to address the need.

It seems the 12-year-old great-niece was overheard mumbling, under her breath, out of earshot, she thought, calling her mom the "B" word.

She'd just celebrated at a big-time splashy birthday party and sometime thereafter was asked to take out the trash. Hence the poorly executed utterance.

When mom heard the five-letter insult, she asked, and asked kind of nicely, just who the girl was calling that name.

The 12-year-old responded as kids will by claiming she was actually directing the name-calling to some girl at school she didn't like.

Uh-huh!

Mom said in the e-mail that the kid hadn't even taken the time to exercise her manners and apologize by the following day and instead went about her business in the usual fashion of wanting this and demanding that.

I sent my piece of advice, in which I did not inquire as to whether a funeral parlor had already been selected. The parents, I suspect, weren't too enthralled with what I thought was a very measured approach. The response I received said they were collecting all input and thought it best to approach the matter in a three-step plan.

Death, funeral and the repast?

Then came more e-mails. An aunt gave some advice, making sure the parents acted in a loving, non-judgmental way.

What? I thought our job as parents was to be judgmental - if we aren't, just who else is going to put our little darlings on the right track?

Then an e-mail came from one of the child's grandmothers who offered up that the girl had many issues she had to deal with.

And while all of this nonsense called collecting of wisdom is taking place, little Ms. Foul Mouth is continuing to live the good life awaiting the decision on how to handle the trash-talking event.

When I grew up we were prepared for parenthood, in part, because we knew how to operate on the instinct sometimes called mother wit.

When the baby was tumbling out of the high chair, we didn't call on the elders - we just knew to catch the kid.

We never had to wonder what to do if our kid called us a foul name, because when I raised kids, they knew I carried no life insurance policy on them, and that there would be death with no splashy party or flower-filled funeral service.

Am I talking abuse? No , I'm talking figuratively. I'm talking about parents understanding sometimes we've got to shoot from the hip and not ask dumb questions such as "Who are you calling the B word?," setting the kid up to lie and then being afraid to dispense with justice.

Oh, the darlings probably call us all kind of names under their breaths. All power to the silence. But when this disrespect becomes audible, the game changes and we stop the mess when it happens.

THE REAL TRAGEDY THAT NOBODY IS WATCHING

2010-10-15 18:36:23

THE Chilean government drilled more than 2,000 feet into the earth and brought out all the miners who'd been trapped underground but stayed alive for 69 days. I believe in miracles.

But in Hickory, N.C., police drained a pond looking for the body of missing 10-year-old Zahra Baker, whom neighbors and relatives say has, over time, suffered abuse and neglect in her home.

Glued to my television set, like millions of other folks around the world, I wasn't moving until I saw that capsule with the first rescued Chilean emerge above ground.

And yes, tears, cheers and loud shouts of "They did it" filled my small office space. I witnessed a miracle and I thought to myself, "I can truly believe in the worth of my fellow humans."

The equipment. The men in hard hats. The surrounding areas filled with villagers. The families of the miners. The months of painstaking and precision planning. I had witnessed a true miracle.

Joyous and ecstatic I turned off my boob tube and went quickly to bed as not to have my euphoria ruined by television anchors disturbing my thoughts with their idle mumblings and gibberish.

That was a good night for miracles and the belief in working for the good of mankind - especially the less fortunate.

Well, I didn't fool myself that the country of Chile had not risen in world recognition due to this phenomenal and historical event centering on a handful of previously unheard of villagers.

The next day, I didn't watch, but I knew more miners were being brought to freedom and there would be more celebrating.

Instead I had an e-mail alert to click on and to learn its details. In Hickory, N.C., the pond near Zahra's home was being drained. The close-by woodpile was being searched. A cadaver dog had picked up the presence of human remains inside the family vehicles and on a wood chipper.

The search for the missing 10-year-old, which was originally an Amber Alert over the weekend reported by her father and stepmother, had now become a homicide investigation.

Authorities now say the child may not have been seen for a full month and that they are struggling to find anyone who had seen her alive in the last few weeks.

Stepmother Elisa Baker allegedly has confessed to police to writing a $1 million ransom note that was found at the home on the windshield of a family car.

Zahra, a bone cancer survivor who used hearing aids and had a prosthetic leg, was not saved from family abuse through rescue efforts by the local North Carolina department of children and family services even though witnesses say they reported to them the conditions the child suffered under.

One lone kid, trapped beneath the surface of our good conscience, with no local, national or international supporters praying for her rescue, is suspected of having succumbed to the brutality of the non-caring.

Now that the Chilean miner rescue story has turned in part to the tawdry business between wife, man and mistress, and lawyers, lawsuits and bankruptcy, maybe someone else who believes in miracles can help me come to terms with what the cadaver dogs are sniffing up.

RAISING COMPUTER KIDS IS NO DEMOCRACY

2010-10-08 20:21:40

WHILE online social networks most certainly do pose a huge and unregulated threat to our youth who use them, I can't help but wonder why parents don't set up their own system of monitoring.

Step one is for parents and caregivers to learn - by asking - what sites their kids log onto. Inadequate answers to these kinds of inquiries come in a variety of lame avoidance techniques. In most cases, this approach will take a bit of time.

Step two is moving those computers out of the bedrooms and parking them in a heavy traffic area like the family room or the kitchen. With constant walk-past access to parents in the viewing of the screens, kids are going to be a little reluctant to pull up some of the stuff they perhaps shouldn't be viewing.

Also, whenever whatever is on the screen, take a seat (always have two chairs at the computer) and talk about what's going on. Now, there might be a fast click changing the screen, but keep at it. Success, here, is slow coming.

Step three is to create, with your kid, a limit and a schedule for computer time. They must be included in this - they're going to tell you how much they hate you. So be it, because raising kids is not democracy in action.

Is this going to solve the problem? Probably not, but it's a few good steps in the right direction.

Too many parents forget they're our kids and not our friends. As Dr. Jack Scott, former president of Pasadena City College, member of the state Legislature and now chancellor of the California Community Colleges told me when he was a guest on our parenting cable show: "You ask them and make sure you get their viewpoint and input, but as the parent you make the final decisions."

Some TV personality I was listening to talk about the troubles in cyberspace thought it wasn't a good idea for parents to snoop and spy on what kind of sites their kids are listed on and what kind of messages are being posted.

The pundit had to be kidding - I don't call my activities as a parent snooping or spying. I'm simply doing my job. If my level of monitoring, as I call it, is unacceptable, then my kids have to live in someone else's home where they can call the shots.

We're in charge of our own kids, so it's time to stop passing the buck. Society didn't create the behavior exhibited on social networks, and educators are not responsible for doing something about it.

As parents, we need to know what our children are up to. Bullies, like those being bullied, are fed and nurtured by those who raised them.

For far too long, we've put up with parents claiming, "I can't do a thing with him." Or, "That's just the way she is." No, that's just the way you are.

A LITTLE BIT OF CHIT CHAT CAN GO A LONG WAY

2010-10-02 13:26:57

NOWADAYS, too many parents just don't know our kids. It's because we simply haven't taken the time to learn all about our little bundles of joy that, at an early age, filled our lives with happiness.

Back then, in those early stages, we probably even made significant notes of when the first teeth popped through their gums, when the first word was uttered and most certainly when baby took that first step.

But somewhere along the way, we got caught up with the finer things in life that we thought would determine how well our kids would do.

The old-time stuff we'd been brought up with, the values and a parental philosophy that supported a cohesive relationship, gave way to long work hours that transformed into the money that's required to buy enough trinkets to keep our offspring on an equal playing field with their over-indulged peers.

Conversations with our kids lost out to their texting with their friends. The old "birds and the bees" discussion gave way to "Oh, they had that in their health class at school."

There are also the parents who avoid this issue, believing, they say, that the kids can learn more on the Internet than they could ever explain.

But with society raising our children, we can't possibly get to know them.

There are therapists on school campuses for the students who can't cope with a given emotional situation. The young people get to share their personal dilemma with a professional and may or may not later talk to their parents about the problem.

Of course parents have to be at work, but somewhere in the daily schedule there ought to be time for the children.

The dinner table used to hold a spot on the household calendar of idle but meaningful chitchat, but that old- time ritual has moved aside for the McDonald's drive-thru conversation that consists of "Do you want the cheeseburger with a chocolate shake?"

But sometimes, for a parent bent on getting the conversation going, even the drive-thru can prove beneficial. Take the father with the kid who claimed a certain ethnic group breeds like rabbits as he watched a family with lots of kids getting out of their parked car.

Young Mr. Derogatory Statement had a parent who sent him online to research the gestation period for rabbits and to learn how many bunnies could be born at one delivery.

Dad said his kid pouted and was annoyed with the research and the math component that said the nine months that it takes a human to produce a baby was way behind the 36 rabbits that would be delivered in the same time period.

But too often, the cruel and disparaging statements our kids think to be clever don't meet with parental views to the contrary. Too many of us have neglected this important interactive component that helps us to know who we're raising.

NEED A SHOTGUN RIDER ON THE SCHOOL BUS

2010-09-24 22:41:28

SOMEONE suggested that James Willie Jones, the father who jumped on the school bus a few weeks ago and threatened the students his daughter said were bullying her, was in need of anger-management therapy sessions.

I say more parents need to step up to the plate, or in this case the bus, and let it be known that anti-social behavior by wretched children is not going to be tolerated.

In Sanford, Fla., the 13-year-old daughter, a special-needs student with cerebral palsy, was hospitalized suffering from stress after the confrontation.

The father was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing a school function. He later posted $2,000 bail and was ordered to stay away from all county school buses and the driver of the bus, who he had, along with the bullies, indeed threatened as he sought to protect his daughter.

No question that order must be maintained in a society. Parents, as well as others, cannot be given a license to take other children into our own hands.

We cannot become Ellie Nesler, the mother who created a national discussion about vigilantism after she killed her son's accused molester in a courtroom in 1993.

But as in this school bus confrontation, there were those who saw Nesler as a hero and others who condemned her lawless actions.

Nesler was tried, convicted and sentenced to prison.

But what about Mr. Jones, who says he had reported the bullying incidents to school authorities?

What about it, parents - just what would you have done?

What would I have done?

Shirlee Smith would have boarded the school bus, said good morning to the driver, asked my daughter (as Jones did) who the culprits were, and in mild, measured tones, spoken gently and discussed the issue in a reasonable manner with them and then asked for compliance with the idea of being kind to others.

Don't you believe it!

Have you ever seen Tyler Perry's "Medea" movie scene in which Medea gets on a school bus, because of teasing and bullying, and beats one of the miscreants over the head?

These unruly kids in our communities are unruly, in part, because nobody - starting with their parents - wants to confront them. I've heard white people say, "Well, that's the way they are."

Reasonable black people, who raise their kids to be decent, often just try to move to a better part of town so they aren't exposed to the "mess."

But the mess catches up with us anyway, and then what do we do?

When my kid called on her cell phone to report an incident unfolding on a city ARTS bus she was riding, I headed out in my house slippers and pajamas to where she reported the bus was stopped.

Police were on the scene but the decent kids who were still there most assuredly weren't about to give any kind of eyewitness report.

The bad ones, who attacked the bus driver, got away. But the driver had been "sucking up" all kinds of harassment and teasing for many weeks, according to my kid.

Back in the covered-wagon days, someone rode shotgun.

Maybe parents ought to consider bringing back this old tradition with a few modern modifications.

I don't think James Willie Jones has an anger-management problem. I believe this father had a mad dash of courage the rest of us need a slice of.

DR PHIL'S WEBSITE SAYS IT ALL

2010-09-17 22:54:04

Of course that was me on "Dr. Phil" the other day. There probably isn't another Shirlee Smith with curly gray hair and a belligerent attitude.

So why was I on the show and why was I rude to that comedian on the panel discussing bias, racism, favoritism and other American traditions?

Well, by my standards, I wasn't all that rude in asking Mr. Funny to shut up as he was hogging the entire show and I was there to give my opinion, having gotten up at 6 a.m. and driven to Paramount Studios for that purpose.

Here's this cute young black female, a show staff member, complaining in a YouTube video about racial profiling at the Burbank airport. Oh, yeah, I had an opinion!

She told how several men approached her as she went to remove her luggage from the turnstile, showed their badges and demanded to search her bags.

She was humiliated and frightened, and it had happened to her, she said, all because of her color.

Racism was showing its ugly head at the airport according to the mistreated young damsel.

Now, I'm not going to argue that America isn't a racist society, but I'm most certainly not going to jump on the bandwagon of calling every unpleasant situation between a black and a white person racist.

Hey, Ms. Staff Lady, this is the airport where everybody has an equal opportunity of conforming to what security demands.

On the show, Ms. Staff Lady didn't appreciate my saying she needed to grow up and shot back, in a disdainful manner, that she'd been taught to respect her elders but she sure didn't exhibit such by marching down the aisle to where I was seated in the audience.

Mr. Funny Man, a person of color, didn't like my point of view, either.

"Are We Just Too Sensitive?" was the title of Dr. Phil's show that day and my answer was yes, yes, yes.

As black folk, we're an interesting bunch when it comes to playing the race card and, as usual, I'm going to lay our individual perspectives on life in America at the feet of those who raise us.

If you are allowed to grow up with no one correcting your belief that the teacher gave you a low grade on the exam because he/she didn't like black people, then you're probably gonna be pretty sure the search at the airport was because of your color.

But for the parent who intercedes in this low-grade scenario and demands a look at the exam, thus discovering the lack of proficiency in the subject matter is the real cause for the D-, we've produced a young adult with a perspective on life broader than attributing all negative experiences with white people as racism.

The disappointment in the small part I played on the show was that my opinion got edited out regarding real bias raising its head. That's what happened when Ms. Staff Lady told airport security that she worked on "Dr. Phil," and they apologized, complimented her expensive luggage and sent her on her way.

Ah, America.

PARTIES. CURFEWS. GUNSHOTS AND DEAD TEENS

2010-09-11 00:43:30

DOMINIQUE Peatry, 14, of Lancaster, attended her last house party this past Labor Day weekend.

Early Sunday morning, homicide investigators report that sometime around 1 a.m. she was shot dead at the hip-shaking event.

The gunmen didn't just take down Dominique. Six other revelers, ranging in age from 13 to 26, were injured but are expected to survive.

On Aug. 28, The Desert Sun reported the teenager shot and killed the previous weekend at a Coachella party was now identified as 16-year-old Angel Raul Bernal.

And looking out of state, the Chicago Sun-Times reported on Aug. 29 that 17-year-old Adolfoi Guijardo-Soria was killed by a gunshot while attending a block party.

These are just a small sampling of the stories involving teens killed at weekend parties. There's not much reason to list any more of them because the circumstances are the same and only the names and ages of the victims change.

How devastating for the families and friends who believed their teenagers were out for a night of fun and frolic. But these tragedies go beyond the loss of life and the pain the family and friends suffer.

Herein lies the bigger picture:

In simple and straightforward parent talk, the answer to "Can I go to the party" requires answers to the following from the teenager: Who is giving it? The address? And provide me with the name and telephone number of the parents.

In the Lancaster scenario, I want to know who stood at the door and thought it was OK to let

13-year-old kids into the place to party with adults who were in their late 20s? And how come no one seemed to know there's a curfew for kids and that was many hours before the gunfire erupted at 1:00 a.m.?

Am I blaming the victims? I certainly hope not, but I am seeing these weekend murders as something that a small amount of parental oversight might work toward providing funeral homes with less business.

Parents have a responsibility when the teenager believes her or she, like "all the other kids," ought to be at the party.

As my mother, the nuisance lady, used to say, "I'm not all the other mothers" and the answer is you're not going. The nuisance lady would call the party house with her list of questions.

Does this kind of parental behavior actually work? Not all the time, but it puts teenagers on notice that your eye is on the prize.

Ms. Nuisance was policing all her kids' activities and that was long before guns and drugs were standard operating procedures in the world of young folk.

When I had kids, I expanded on the concept of being a nuisance. My offspring knew that whatever party they were given permission to attend, I was going to drive past to watch who was going in, and if there were the slightest appearance of a wrong crowd, I would park, go in and mine would have to come out.

This kind of watchdog behavior doesn't have to be repeated or even carried out (just the thought of it) because no one wants his or her mother with her hair uncombed, wearing her bath robe, ringing the doorbell at a party.

Times are dangerous and house parties are no exception. Are parents going to monitor them?

Of course not.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW BUT WHO YOU'RE RELATED TO

2010-09-03 19:33:24

DALLAS Congresswoman Eddie Bernice Johnson is an absolute disgrace. Over the years, she has continuously awarded Congressional Black Caucus Foundation Scholarships to her relatives and to relatives of her district director. Now exposed, she claims she was unaware of rules against this.

According to the foundation's annual reports from 2005-2008, Johnson awarded 11 scholarships a year and each of those years, three or four of the winners were to her and to her aide's children, grandchildren or nephews.

Johnson's excuse is shameful, insensitive, insulting and unbelievable. As a nine-term elected official in a public trust position who served as chair of the Black Caucus Foundation and on its board of directors, who does she expect will believe her story that she was ignorant of the rules?

In defending herself, Johnson says had there been more worthy applicants, she probably would not have given the scholarships to relatives.

In a full display of how high and mighty she sees herself, she announced in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper that she had repaid the $31,000 from her personal funds and she is ready to move on.

Continuing, she implied there was no real news in this story because she had made a simple mistake and the scholarship awards are a very minor part of what she does.

Being peppered with questions concerning her awardees lying on the application in signing that they were not related to anyone affiliated with the Congressional Black Caucus, Johnson ran for cover telling Cooper she knew nothing about the application and concluded by saying those records were missing from her office.

How dare this black woman claim the lack of worthy applicants? Did she take her elected self or send members of her staff out into the district she represents to knock on doors and find families?

Did she or her staff visit the high schools where she claims she sent the scholarship information to pump up the need for their seniors to apply?

Of course not.

Johnson, like too many black folk who think they've made it but still have the chance to help others, don't want the lower socio-economic kids contaminating the world they've come to believe is theirs.

The congresswoman isn't alone in parceling out academic goodies to her relatives. School administrators and teachers do the same on a regular basis.

Ask them how their kids got full scholarships to Harvard, Stanford, Yale and other best of the best institutions of higher learning and you won't hear them say the information came across their desk and they kept it for themselves rather than informing the public.

I'm glad the Texas congresswoman has been outed and has shown her true self with the arrogant attitude and insensitive and unbelievable excuses.

But I'll only be satisfied if it helps students and their families become more diligent in uncovering the many opportunities that are available to them and then show a willingness to expose those who, like Johnson, are keeping the goodies for them and theirs.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING FOR WHAT?

2010-08-27 22:57:06

According to the National Retail Federation's 2010 back-to-school survey, the average American family will spend $606 on clothes, shoes, supplies and electronics, compared to $548 last year and $594 in 2008. Total spending on school-aged children in grades K-12 is expected to reach $21.35 billion.

I didn't find results of any survey charting how much time American parents would spend shopping at their kid's school for the education plan and policies pertaining to academic proficiency. It's an all-too-acceptable edict that clothes make the student.

A quick stop by the closet in an American kid's room prior to the annual end-of-summer spending ritual will usually yield a floor full of shoes, a rack full of clothing and a backpack or two crammed into a corner.

Turning attention in the room to the chest of drawers, there will be T-shirts and other items, some still with price tags attached, that have never been worn. Back-to-school shopping ought to start at home.

Drag the so-called worn-out backpacks from out of the corner and take `em down to the shoe repair shop to get the handles and straps strengthened and the whole thing cleaned up.

But the kid wants a new one with a favorite television character splashed in gaudy colors from top to bottom and sometimes even with a water bottle to match.

Get real, shoppers. Recheck that list you've created and start scratching off the wants and stick with the needs.

Growing feet most certainly need a pair of new shoes. But where the high cost of footwear enters the picture isn't always the individual price - it is the many pairs our offspring think they should own. What self-respecting high school young lady wants to wear the same shoes no matter the outfit?

And how many parents, no matter the condition of the household budget, defy this trend? Whether standing in the unemployment line or hiding from the neighbors as the repo man hauls away the SUV, parents tend to believe they're required to be part of the retail federation's survey results.

Let's miss the madness this year and contribute to a small dip in the anticipated $21.35 billion spending spree. Let's create a scenario of shopping at the school for what Julio, Jamal and Johnny and their female counterparts really need.

Schools are open prior to the first day of classes, which provides every parent the opportunity to make the acquaintance of those in charge of academic progress either by drop-in visit, appointment or phone call.

Develop a list of questions based on what you forgot to find out last year and just like the conversation that usually takes place regarding shopping for clothes, consult with the offspring about their academic wants and needs.

Keep this going all year long. It will be time well spent with results guaranteed. It's a different way of preparing for the school year. It's real money saved. it's children very annoyed.

Guaranteed? I have four adult children, all university graduates, and Brandi, my 19-year-old, attends junior college.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

WHAT ABOUT DR. LAURA?

2010-08-20 21:22:41

DOES Laura Schlessinger speak for white America? The well-known and controversial syndicated radio host and author may be, in her latest diatribe, giving us all a walk down Race Avenue, Anytown, U.S.A.

Nita Hanson, radio code name Jade, an African-American woman from Colorado Springs, who is a regular listener to the program and happens to be married to a white man, called Schlessinger with a question on a racial issue.

Hanson didn't get any useful advice, but listeners that day - and now everyone across the country - were given the opportunity to examine the question of race in America.

Much has been made of Dr. Laura's spouting out the "N" word 11 times while referring to rappers' and black comedians' constant use of the derogatory term. She was upset about the word being holy ground for anyone of non-color to walk on.

Hmm, political correctness doesn't allow this topic to cross the color line. White folks in personal conversations aren't going to risk the trouble it might cause them in a friendship to talk about this double standard.

But what about it?

What if I always wrote what I really thought in the moment? Should I be willing to risk the baring of my true soul when it comes to being black in white America?

Talk-show hosts don't have the benefits of a delete key. They get on a verbal roll and can't edit as they go. They don't know where a conversation with a caller is going when they get into it and what they say is exactly who they are. The old expression "the truth will out" has real meaning here for Dr. Laura.

I edit as I go. Eliminate entire paragraphs. Reword and rewrite. Think and then maybe choose another phrase.

Do I put into print everything I think? Please! But I most certainly have personal conversations where the edit button isn't available. Do I have conversations about race that I would never put into print? Most certainly.

While I usually don't comment on letters to the editor in the newspaper regarding my column, a recent one questioning my statement "the need to interpret white America for our offspring" can't be ignored because it fits too well with this discussion.

The writer advises: "Smith should stop talking about race and start talking about anyone who is unemployed, who've lost their job, who is low income, or generally needs help. People need to look at a person's character, not their color, religion or ethnicity."

The black parents who don't continually talk to their children about race in America are not fulfilling the responsibility of preparing them for the real world.

Black parents, as well as others, shouldn't take the Dr. Laura controversy as one woman's ranting - we all need to examine it for the deeper meaning.

To believe race doesn't matter in America is, simply put, wishful thinking.

To believe Dr. Laura's words aren't actually what a lot of white Americans think is, simply put, some more wishful thinking.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php